Author Ilona Seddik On Five Things You Need To Be A Highly Effective Leader During Uncertain & Turbulent Times
It can be helpful to make a list of the fears that arise when you think about posting on social media, filming yourself for videos, or launching another course after a previous failure. Facing these fears will empower you. Start learning from those who have successfully overcome similar challenges. Discover their strategies, steps, or plans to emerge on the other side of fear.
As part of our series about the “Five Things You Need To Be A Highly Effective Leader During Turbulent Times”, we had the pleasure of interviewing Ilona Seddik. Ilona Seddik is a bestselling author, marketing strategist, and dynamic speaker on authentic branding, storytelling, and resilience. A domestic violence survivor, immigrant, and former corporate lawyer with a Ph.D. in Russian constitutional law, she transformed her struggles into a thriving career, proving that personal reinvention leads to professional success.
Born in Latvia and raised near the Arctic Circle, Ilona moved to the U.S. in 2019 with no English skills and has built a thriving social media marketing business specializing in content systems for entrepreneurs worldwide. Ilona co-founded the Women Empowerment Club, empowering over 300 Russian-speaking women. Her story has been recognized in the Marquis Who’s Who list in America.
Ilona resides in Virginia with her husband and two children, where she enjoys baking, family dinners, and daily walks.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your ‘backstory’ and how you got started?
Once upon a time, a girl named Ilona lived in a faraway land. I’m kidding, but it’s not that far from the truth.
I have always loved stories. It would not surprise you if I said I was glued to the bookshelf all my childhood. It was not just a hobby. It was a source of inspiration and energy to survive in the coldest place in the world. You see things differently when you live near the Arctic Pole, a few miles from the Arctic Circle. Yes, that faraway land was Northern Siberia. The books were the window to the world.
After getting a law degree, Ph.D., I returned to the books because I felt it was the right decision for me. But nobody around me supported that. “You are crazy!” I heard from parents and relatives. “You want to be a literature teacher in a public school?” friends wondered. Sometimes, I thought I was almost committing a crime, “throwing away my law career to public education.”
As soon as I got my BA degree in teaching, Russian language, and world literature, books again strengthened me. I moved to the USA and became a bestselling author. My social media marketing journey starts here.
I wanted to connect with people and be helpful, not from book to book but all the time. My main instrument is words. I do enjoy them.
Yes, I love stories. I get this tingling feeling of happiness and joy when my stories help others through social media. As for my clients, I empower their stories to send their message and help others. In this way, I can help more people around the globe.
Hi, I’m Ilona Seddik, a girl with a Hungarian name, raised in Northern Siberia, lived in 9 different regions of Russia, in 3 counties, and finds herself in one of the greatest counties in the world.
It has been said that our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
Nobody cares.
Let me start with a story. And I warn you, you will hear a lot of stories in this interview. Buckle up!
I pressed the “Post” button and waited for the result. The first line of my post read, “I published my novel Cahokia; I’ve made it.” My palms were cold, and I refreshed the feed every second until I got the first like. Then the comments started rolling in: “Congratulations!” “It’s super cool!” “Good job!”
I was ecstatic and thought, “I need to make sure they all get their books.” I checked the online store where my self-published book, Cahokia, was listed. And guess what?
Nobody bought it. Yes, they cared and supported me, but they DID NOT BUY.
I thought, “Okay, it’s just the first day. That’s normal.”
But it wasn’t just the first day. They didn’t buy it at all. I admit, the next thought that crossed my mind was, “Okay. I tried so hard to publish it and tell them about the importance of this book, but they didn’t buy it. Pfffff…”
It was December, Christmas time. So, I just forgot about it for a while, feeling like I had done enough. I convinced myself, “If they want it, they’ll buy it. It’s an awesome, helpful book; I know it in my gut.”
I closed my laptop and stopped refreshing the feed to check the book’s sales. Instead, I decorated the apartment with lights and made some homemade paper decorations with my son. He was five years old and stayed home with me while my daughter was at school.
The last days before Christmas and Winter break were full of joy for my daughter. When we moved to the US, she had just entered first grade. She didn’t know English and started school halfway through the year. It was her first school year, and the transition was challenging — for her and the entire family.
The thing is, we didn’t plan the “immigration to the USA” story. It was an unexpected opportunity, a miracle. And every day when I sent my six-year-old daughter off to school, I feared hearing something like, “I will never go there again. I don’t understand anything. I give up.”
But everything changed one day.
That December, I went to the bus stop to meet my daughter after school. As soon as I saw her, I understood instantly that she embodied my fear. She was sad and bluntly said.
“Mom, the first weeks of school were awful. I couldn’t say anything. I could hardly understand them,” she said, lowering her head, “But you were with me all the time,” she said, looking up at me as we reached our door.
“What do you mean?” I smiled and started to open the door.
“You were here,” she said, touching her tiny chest and gazing at me with her beautiful brown eyes.
My keys fell out of the lock as I pulled her into my arms. She gave me the answer I needed to hear. Now, I knew three things for certain.
First, I began to realize that I wasn’t ruining her life by moving across the world. It wasn’t an easy decision for our family, and I had heard many cruel and unpleasant words from those around me.
Second, I’m a proud mom of a powerful and strong leader. She is the light of my life.
And third, she acted instead of waiting. She confidently said, “I’m awesome. If they want to, they will talk to me.”
I needed to finish the story of my Cahokia book for my girl.
At that moment, I made two important decisions.
First, I started learning how to establish a personal brand on social media, build a business around it, and sell in a way that people were happy to invest in my products.
Second, I decided to let my daughter take her own path and experiences in life. She is not me. She has her own story, and my fears and past don’t have to shape her future. I love her too much to let that happen.
It was hilarious thinking that people cared about me. I learned that unless you are invested in your own business, nobody will. Do it for youself.
None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story?
I had graduated from a small university in one of Russia’s poorest regions and had been accepted into the Ph.D. program at one of the top universities in the country in Moscow.
It seemed too good to be true but actually happening. The sun felt brighter, and the wind felt gentler on my face that day.
Then came the day I first met my academic advisor. “You’re not our typical student; that’s why they assigned you to me. They always give me the ‘unique cases.’ Why couldn’t they just pick a local student? Well, anyway, what’s your thesis topic?”
From that moment on, she seemed to dislike me. She rejected all my work with minimal feedback, repeatedly telling me it was “not good enough.” This went on for three long years.
“You have serious language issues. You are incapable of writing. Do you understand me?” she yelled in nearly every meeting. For context, by the time you’re reading this, I’m a three-time bestselling author in two languages. But she “knew better.”
At the time, though, I didn’t know better, so my response was always the same: “What can I do differently? How can I understand you more deeply?” And I’d smile. This was my only chance to earn the degree I had dreamed of, and I wasn’t about to quit.
I tried to report her. I spoke to other professors and to the administration, but they responded with, “She’s just a passionate woman. Try to understand her. She wants what’s best for you. Or perhaps you should leave and make room for others who truly want to work.”
Her last challenge came on the day of my dissertation defense. She’d told me she didn’t want to see me before the defense and was “tired” of me, but at the same time, she took offense that I hadn’t come to check in with her before the hearing. It was as though she expected me to come anyway and beg her to review my work.
Typically, your advisor would support you at this critical stage — after all, it’s the result of your combined effort. But that wasn’t her style.
During the hearing, she highlighted my supposed arrogance and ignorance, “revealing” the “truth” about me. Just when I needed her wisdom and guidance the most, she offered none. Fortunately, I had worked hard to ensure my thesis was flawless from every possible angle. I was determined not to give her any opportunity to undermine it, and ultimately, I earned my degree.
This woman taught me the most important lesson in my life. He helped me realize that with perseverance and steady moving to your goal, you can achieve everything. There is nothing impossible. She unleashed my writing skills and research abilities and mastered my emotional intelligence. She was the biggest teacher of all.
Extensive research suggests that “purpose-driven businesses” are more successful in many areas. When your organization started, what was its vision, what was its purpose?
I started my business in the USA.
My motto became, and still is: “Be a valuable part of a community in America.”
I didn’t want to just change continents and spend my time constantly reminiscing about how great things were back in my homeland. I didn’t want to live in the past, feeling estranged from the life around me, only speaking Russian, only communicating with those who shared my old world. I wanted to live life to the fullest.
At 35, I was ready for a major change. By then, I had a bright career in law, a network of colleagues, friends, and former classmates. Thanks to all the moving I had done over the years and my willingness to start over each time, I had built a vast network of people. But still, I wasn’t fully honest with you.
The truth is, the decision to move was a complete shock to our family. We had planned our lives years in advance. I had just renovated our apartment, found the best schools for our kids, and was in the middle of studying for my degree. So, my move to the USA wasn’t just a relocation; it was a huge sacrifice. Sacrifice for the future of my kids.
I didn’t want to just be a foreigner in America — I wanted to find my place in society. I wanted to feel at home in this new country. But honestly, I had no idea what America was like or how people actually lived there.
As usual, I had a plan. My scientific brain is always seeking a system and order in everything (ha-ha).
First, I wasn’t going to lose my identity. Trying to meet other people’s expectations will only make you feel miserable. I learned that the hard way from my past experience with domestic violence. I wasn’t about to pretend to be American and abandon my Russian background.
Second, I needed to connect with people. I was determined to find close relationships and nurture them. Only then could I feel truly safe and at home in this new place. I understood that society is a network of connections — a hierarchy of relationships — and my goal was to find my place within that system.
The third step was to offer something valuable to people in the U.S. If you want to be part of anything, you need to offer something valuable to others. My life experience taught me one important lesson: “First give, and then ask.” It never works the other way around. If you start asking before you give, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
So, from the moment I arrived in America, I was committed to working hard, nurturing the value within myself, and offering it to others. I kept my head down and moved forward.
I called this my “Three-Step Moving Plan.” As soon as I landed and unpacked, I began connecting with people and making friends, which led me to my social media marketing business.
Checking up my work’s effectiveness, I always return to my motto: “Be a valuable part of a community in America.”
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion. Can you share with our readers a story from your own experience about how you lead your team during uncertain or difficult times?
Then, the pandemic hit.
I know we have all been through that highly traumatic experience. During that time, I began to master my social media skills and naturally put more effort into connecting with like-minded Russian-speaking women in America. That was the only way to survive for me. I knew in my gut social isolation would kill me faster than a virus.
At some point, after completing a course, I received an invitation to organize and host a Mastermind for Russian-speaking female entrepreneurs in America. It was a volunteer position — meaning no pay, with no assistance or prior organization network. They suggested I start it from scratch. I had no idea how it should be organized, but I took the risk and said, “Yes!” to this opportunity.
It was exactly what I needed. It was my “Three-Step Moving Plan” in action. As you know, I was aware that without giving something, you will never get anything in return. So, I found a way to give, to connect with Russian girls, and to offer something valuable to others.
I sent invitations to the girls I knew and asked them to help spread the word. It was a crazy time during Covid. Nobody knew what was happening, and I just wanted to support my girls.
After one month, in April 2020, I managed to gather the first mastermind group. For nearly two years, once a week, I hosted online masterminds for free to help Russian-speaking female entrepreneurs. I did it during family vacations, trips, good days and sick days, holidays, and weekdays. Once a week, no matter the circumstances, I would host a mastermind. It was a commitment I made, as I saw it as my way to offer help and support to others in a new, great country.
My family had a joke at that time: “Mom has a mastermind!” whenever I left the room.
I helped female entrepreneurs start their businesses, create products, establish their brands on social media, and launch successful courses and coaching programs. But that was only the first part of my job. The second part was much more important. I supported them by sharing my experience on how to find good daycare, be more confident in communication with others, and learn English. I was there for them to make their adaptation to a new country as easy as possible. I knew for sure it was hard to do it all alone, and I didn’t want them to have that experience.
The third step of my work with them was much deeper. I helped them rediscover themselves in a different country, find jobs, and feel loved and seen again.
Bear in mind that my experience with bullying by other females during childhood didn’t make this journey easy for me. I admit that I struggled with connecting and helping other women. It was challenging for me to trust and feel that connection.
I didn’t have all the answers. I discovered many areas in which I needed to grow. Simply put, I realized I didn’t know so many things to help them fully. So, I started expanding my learning. Not only did I learn about marketing, branding, social media algorithms, and short-form video filming and editing, but I also gained a better understanding of psychology and coaching for individuals and groups.
I wanted to know how I could help a woman feel more confident, love and take care of herself, listen to her inner voice, deal with her emotions, nurture resilience, and find the energy to keep going. I wanted to support a woman who had lost herself to kids, family, and work. It was important for me to understand the tools that would allow me to remind women of how powerful they are. I saw the beauty in them, even if they couldn’t see it themselves yet.
In the past, I didn’t know all of this, but I was ready to show the way to my girls.
And it was not a solo road. They helped me understand that I wasn’t alone. They appreciated my social media advice, and I saw their results — along with inspiring numbers in their bank accounts. After my masterminds, I witnessed how they moved forward in their lives, and I felt inspired. I could see the progress we made together. I found girls with whom I became friends and even considered family.
I also found others who struggled and didn’t want to share anything with me or the group. They were ready to take but not to give. Normally, they would visit one or two masterminds for free, share their requests, and we would help them. But they didn’t help others at all. They would say, “I don’t know, I need help, I’m not ready to help others now.” And then they were gone. When I met some of them afterward, they didn’t want to communicate, and it felt like everything they had gained from the mastermind was solely the result of their own efforts.
I found others who were afraid to show up on camera at the beginning, but after one year, I saw them gaining confidence and eventually becoming public speakers at events.
I met hundreds of different women and was sincerely thankful for each and every one of them.
Did you ever consider giving up? Where did you get the motivation to continue through your challenges? What sustains your drive?
Oh, that’s easy. To be honest, all these fantastic answers above were possible only thanks to my kids. Being their mom was the most significant turning point in my life. I wanted to show them that everything is possible.
Even if you don’t know English, you can write an awesome book from your heart destined to be heard by millions.
Even if you don’t know anybody on this piece of land, you can succeed.
Even if others repeat you over and over again it’s not for you, it’s not possible, you can make it happen.
As a teacher, in my core, I know too well that I cannot teach them with my motivational words. I can only act on my words and educate them. I need to walk the talk every single time.
I’m an author and I believe that books have the power to change lives. Do you have a book in your life that impacted you and inspired you to be an effective leader? Can you share a story?
It is a biography of Yuriy Gagarin, the first man in space, My Brother Yuriy, written by his brother Valentin Gagarin. It’s a one-of-a-kind biography of a world legend. The most beautiful part here is that Gagarin was shown to us not as an unstoppable and unbreakable superhero but as a nurturing father, lovely brother, and loving partner. I rediscovered him as a fellow human being for the first time in my life. He survived unimaginable during World War II; he had nothing to be successful and famous from the lowest socioeconomic class. He made it because of his open, kind heart, optimism, and perseverance.
I enjoyed his family photos and rare unofficial shots along the way. It was the most empowering experience for me. I found this book on my grandmother’s shelf when I was 10 years old. He was already dead but so alive and supportive for me in a faraway place, somewhere near the Arctic Circle.
What would you say is the most critical role of a leader during challenging times?
I truly believe it is not to find the answer and fix everything by yourself, as you are the cleverest one.
It’s not the leader’s job.
Let your team have a safe space to share their thoughts and ideas. Carefully gather them, initiate an open discussion, and create an informed decision to move forward.
Act on this decision confidently. Analyze the results and optimize the following decisions accordingly.
The simple yet effective algorithm has always helped me.
When the future seems so uncertain, what is the best way to boost morale? What can a leader do to inspire, motivate and engage their team?
Be vulnerable.
Share your struggles and fears first. Admit that you are not an Iron Man or Wonder Woman. It gives others liberation to share their frustrations. The team is an alive organism.
Non-critical and safe spaces create opportunities for connection and new horizons for decisions. Everyone on a team will feel like they are not alone. Moreover, they are connected, appreciated, stronger, and more likely to overcome hard times.
It works in my family. I was always open with my kids about our immigration. I share my fears and tears with them along the way. I’m not a perfect mom or a person. They were open and honest with me in return. I cherish that connection more than everything in the world. We overcame language and cultural barriers together. It was not a picture-perfect journey. It was our journey.
What is the best way to communicate difficult news to one’s team and customers?
Let’s talk about something specific.
For example, you want to raise your prices. It doesn’t matter whether you are a business owner, side hustler, or freelancer.
It’s rather an uncomfortable situation for many of us and challenging to deliver.
To begin, let’s review the fundamentals of an irresistible offer. Here’s a formula to follow:
What do you offer? — Describe your product, whether it’s a guide, course, or 1:1 coaching. Get clear on the essence and structure of what you’re offering.
Who is it for? — Identify your audience. Who will need and buy this?
How does it help? — Explain the results and steps you’ll deliver within your product.
Why you? — Clarify why you’re selling this product, share your mission, and showcase your expertise to build trust.
Price and payment terms — Disclose the cost and payment options. Consider options for those with limited budgets.
Additional information — Tell them what to expect, any necessary tools or skills, and how they can benefit.
As you can clearly see, the price is not a unique point in the offer. By revealing the price increase, you tell your customer how other parts of your offer have changed. It’s much easier in this way.
What if they don’t buy or reject me?
It’s very possible. Here is the story.
Our second child came as a surprise. Just as I was settling into motherhood, I discovered I was pregnant again. Having been diagnosed with infertility, we hadn’t expected a second pregnancy to happen so soon — especially not a baby boy!
My son’s arrival quickly taught me that no amount of prior experience prepared me for him. Caring for him was different in every way. While my daughter played with her toys a certain way, my son had his own style.
It started right after his nap. He was a few months old and playing with his sister, who was one year old at that time. Frankly, he was just watching her play with colorful balls. Suddenly, behind her, he found a fascinating object. It was a red car, like the main character in the Cars cartoon. It was a safe, rather big toy, so I suggested he play with it. I did it in a way I used to do with my daughter.
I started acting like this car wanted to go for a walk, ride with friends, and eat. But he just squeezed it, threw it, then picked the car up and started rolling the wheels. He was so concentrated on the rotation of wheels and how they find their way on the floor.
Finally, he was playing as if it were a real car on a real road. And it was not about boys and girls; it was deeper. It was about different personalities, something I’d never experienced in my life, how this little boy saw this world.
Remember: not everyone is your audience. Your offer will resonate with certain people who genuinely need it. Find those individuals, connect with them, and speak directly to them.
By shifting your mindset, you’ll make your offers feel natural, sincere, and impactful to the people who need them most. And no price change can ruin this connection.
I know sometimes it’s hard to let go, especially if you feel that the person needs your service or product but is not ready yet. Let them be.
People have their own personalities and the struggles, fears, and pain they experience at the moment. You cannot help those who are not ready to accept that help. Let them be.
Focus on people who ask you for help after you deliver your offer. They are much more critical for you right now. Help them, and let others see these results. They will come.
How can a leader make plans when the future is so unpredictable?
My first paid mastermind group had only two people. I worked with them for 2.5 months; income-wise, it was not profitable. But I dedicated time, knowledge, and effort to helping them. They got their results, and in marketing, it’s absolutely obvious — views, likes, money — numbers talk instead of me. The next group was sold out in hours.
You can only rely on and believe in yourself. Your skills and abilities to adapt to the situation make the decision-making process easier.
Is there a “number one principle” that can help guide a company through the ups and downs of turbulent times?
1+1=11
When we connect with each other, we become something bigger than ourselves. I specialize in connecting people and businesses. I truly believe it’s my way of making the world a better place.
Can you share 3 or 4 of the most common mistakes you have seen other businesses make during difficult times? What should one keep in mind to avoid that?
Of course! Happy to share to help you. My top 3 will be:
- You freeze and stop acting.
- You overthink how others will see you acting in uncertainty.
- “What if I succeeded, and now everybody needs me?”
Yes, fear. And I can help you to overcome it. Fear is cognitive. It’s something that exists only in your mind, driven by your thoughts. It’s not about feelings; it’s not happening right now. Listen to me: it’s about the future. Nobody can predict what will happen or know for sure.
The first thing you need to understand about fear is that we need it to survive. It’s not a bad thing.
We have two naturally evolved fears:
· Fear of loud noises
· Fear of heights or falling
All other fears are social, learned behaviors that hold you back from being your true self. These fears were instilled in you during childhood or youth.
At some point, these fears were necessary for survival. Past experiences taught you to act in certain ways and feel afraid. They reflect your beliefs, stereotypes, and mindset. Unfortunately, shedding these fears isn’t a one-time event. The important thing is that you acted as best you could at the time, and your fears served a purpose in your past.
The good news is that fear is cognitive. This means that by learning more about what you fear, you gain clarity and information, reducing your reasons to feel scared. Ask yourself: “Do my fears help or serve me now?”
If the answer is “No, they don’t help me as they did before. I want something more,” then it’s time to acknowledge them.
The second step is to admit that you have fears. It can be helpful to make a list of the fears that arise when you think about posting on social media, filming yourself for videos, or launching another course after a previous failure. Facing these fears will empower you. Start learning from those who have successfully overcome similar challenges. Discover their strategies, steps, or plans to emerge on the other side of fear. Don’t let a lack of information hold you back. Stay curious, like a child, and seek out practical steps.
The third step is crucial: create a list of actions to overcome your fears, and take only one step at a time. Yes, you heard that right — one step at a time.
For engaging on social media, your initial steps might look like this:
· Create a private (closed) social media account.
· Use a real photo as your avatar.
· Open your profile to the public or switch to a professional/business account.
· Post a vacation photo without showing your face as a story or post.
· Comment on someone’s post about something you liked.
· Share a short video of your daily routine.
· Offer your thoughts on industry news as a professional.
· Create a “thank you” post for someone you admire, just because.
For those of you ready to dive deep into inner work and have the energy and mental capacity for it, here’s what you can do:
Take your time to reflect on the reasons behind your fears. Make a list of your fears and ask yourself,
“Why am I afraid of [your list]? What do I want to protect myself from?”
This will help you uncover the core reasons.
If you’re struggling to identify anything, try this question:
“What will happen if that fear comes true?” Let’s play a “what’s next” game. Imagine your fear becomes your reality.
For example, if you fear showing up on social media due to rejection, visualize it happening. They reject you — so what’s next? You feel alone, as if nobody needs or likes you. But wait — what about you? You still have yourself. The most important person is still there for you: YOU. No one can take that away.
Remember, you are still here.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience and success, what are the five most important things a business leader should do to lead effectively during uncertain and turbulent times? Please share a story or an example for each.
It’s one of the most heartbreaking stories in my life. But it’s worth sharing here.
Remember, in the beginning, I told you about the importance of stories in my life. Listen up.
I was in my fourth and final year at university, just about to graduate and become a lawyer. To be absolutely sure, we had mandatory internships that year with state government bodies, local representative bodies, the police, and the courts, to get a taste of the professional world and figure out our future direction. On that day, I was in court.
I hope I won’t surprise you by saying that the clerks weren’t exactly thrilled to entertain the interns. So usually, we’d show up, sit in the hall, then go into a judge’s office, and eventually, into the courtroom.
Please bear in mind that this wasn’t the shiny, dramatic Suits series courtroom you might imagine, with a grand space and separate areas for the judge, prosecutor, defense attorney, and audience. It wasn’t anything like that. It was far more modest. Think of a small office in a random company in an ordinary town: dark, cramped rooms, crowded spaces, and the sense of daily mundane life all around.
I’m sharing these details so you can better understand what happened next.
I was almost done for the day — my internship would end in an hour. I stood in the hall, which connected all the offices in the building.
Then, a woman caught my attention as soon as she walked in. She wore a dark jacket and held a black eco-leather handbag. What struck me was the way she moved. She was cautious, almost as if she was saying, “I’m so sorry for being here.” She hesitated, then finally chose the office of one of the judge’s assistants. I was curious and decided to get a little closer. Well, guilty as charged — it was a boring day.
Through the partially open door, I overheard her speaking, “Sorry, Natasha, I need to talk to you.”
A woman’s voice answered sharply, “What are you doing here? Are you crazy? I told you I can’t help you.”
“But I can’t go anywhere,” the woman in the black jacket replied.
“Go to the police. I’ve told you a hundred times already! This is a court, we don’t deal with that here,” Natasha answered.
“But I was there,” the woman said quietly, then I heard, “They say I’m crazy. They say my husband has the right to do it. They say my husband can’t rape me — it’s my duty.” She said the last sentence loudly enough that some people in the hall started turning their heads and staring at the open door.
“Why are you shouting, Julia? You’re really crazy! Close the door!” Natasha snapped. “How many times do I have to tell you not to come here?”
That was the last thing I heard before the door slammed shut.
At that moment, I didn’t know I would remember this woman and her black bag for the rest of my life.
Those who believe in extraordinary powers in our life would say, “It was a sign from the Universe. You should listen to it and pay attention. It was a warning or a heads-up.” But nobody was around me; I was so young. I thought that it was just another internship story I could share with my friends at the university later.
The next thing I remember was how I said “No” to him. But as you can guess, it didn’t help. He was not a random dude, he was my boyfriend, so it was a duty to have sex with him to satisfy his needs.
I clearly remember how I said, “No, I don’t want to. It’s not the right time. Please stop.”
He said, “It’s your part, your responsibility to take care of your man. Are you stupid, Ilona? NO?! Are you kidding me? How long should I wait?”
I remember how I tried to push him as hard as could. It was pointless, like the wind trying to push the mountain. He was at least two times stronger and bigger than me. I kept resisting for a while, but it didn’t work.
In one move, he grabbed me and placed himself between my legs, gripping on my hands so tightly that I saw the white bones of his knuckles; he held me tight. Then he went down to my ear slowly and whispered, “If you keep annoying me, I will make it so painful for you that you won’t be able to walk for a week.”
And at that moment, I did something that had been haunting me for years.
I gave up. I stopped fighting.
I said to myself after that so many times, “It was your choice. You let this happen. You chose him. You should have been wiser. It’s your fault, Ilona.”
I didn’t realize that it was actually the voices of my neighbors, friends from the university, and society internalized in my head. They all blamed me and asked, “And what did you do to let this happen? Why didn’t you run away?”
While trembling like a leaf under him, I remembered the woman in the court, how she held that black bag so tight with two hands.
I understand that reading about sexual assault is not fun. Why am I doing this?
It’s such a dark part of my life. I should hide it. Right?
Guilt and shame no longer have power over me. I didn’t let this happen — it’s what he did to me, even as I was saying no and unable to defend myself for logical, natural reasons. I prefer to speak about responsibility rather than guilt. “It’s your fault” is a highly manipulative and painful phrase for me. I take responsibility, not guilt.
Yes, it happened to me. But over time, I realized that it also happened for me. I know it’s a tricky concept, so let me explain.
I had the courage to share my story with you so that one of you might feel seen, heard, and validated for the first time in your life. It was a horrible experience, but it shaped the person I am today. Would I prefer to have evolved without going through that? Absolutely. But I can’t change it, so I choose to find new meaning in it.
My story is no longer a secret; no one has power over me anymore. Yes, I was raped by my boyfriend. But this traumatizing event has brought me here — to you.
Over time, I built my decision-making process on story structure.
When making a decision is difficult and painful, I imagine myself telling a story about this exact moment in the future.
The Prologue: Why am I telling this story? — My reasons. Why is my decision so crucial at this moment? Why do I need to act now? What will I lose if I give up? Why does it matter?
The Beginning: How did it start? — My initial decision. What information do I have to make a decision? Who’s involved? Where and when does it happen? Who can help me? Do I have any additional resources? By accumulating this information, I make a decision. I set the scene with me as the main character.
The Middle: What challenges did you face? — My acting part. I embrace every struggle along the way. I adapt and learn as I go. I’m acting on my decision; it’s my hero journey.
The Conclusion: What are the lessons or results you achieved? — I face the results of my decision. What has changed, what I learned, or what I accomplished.
The writing part: How do I tell this story to others? Here are my optimization and analysis for the future. What can help me guide others in a similar uncertainty in my business?
Revealing and visualizing these parts of my future story makes the uncertain and frustrating period less scary. I’m not paralyzed anymore. I can move forward and live my story in real life.
Hoping one day it can help you.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
I’m inspired by the words of Dr. Edith Eva Eger, a survivor of Auschwitz who endured unimaginable suffering. As a clinical psychologist, she has helped thousands heal. In her book, The Choice, she writes,
“It’s the first time I see that we have a choice: to pay attention to what we’ve lost or to what we still have.”
Once I read it, I stopped suffering and started embracing what l have.
How can our readers further follow your work?
You can follow me on all major social media at @ilonaseddik and email me your stories, requests, questions, and feedback at koseddk@gmail.com. I really enjoy your letters.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
It was an honor and pleasure to talk to you. Thank you for having me.
Author Ilona Seddik On Five Things You Need To Be A Highly Effective Leader During Uncertain &… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.