Self-Love: No one can love you until you love yourself. When you love yourself, you know you are worthy of love and don’t need anyone else to love you. Sometimes, we give others unconscious signals that we don’t deserve love, and therefore, we don’t find it. When you love yourself, it radiates outward, and everyone around you cannot help but respond. For many years, I didn’t feel worthy of love, and even though my partner showed me in dozens of ways how he felt, I never felt “loved” because I didn’t believe I deserved it. Now I know I do, and I feel his love every single day.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Dawna M. Roberts.
Dawna M. Roberts is a professional writer, author, illustrator, and relationship coach. She is a serial entrepreneur and has owned three successful businesses during her career. Dawna specializes in content writing, copywriting, SEO, and digital marketing for small and medium-sized businesses. She recently published a self-help book, “Real Life and Relationships Don’t Mix,” to help empower women and improve relationships. Dawna also maintains a blog, More Positive Outcomes (morepositiveoutcomes.com), to support struggling people in overcoming life’s challenges and finding more happiness, love, joy, and success.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Like many of us, I grew up in a chaotic environment. My home life was very dysfunctional and unhealthy, resulting in severe trauma that affected my body as well as my emotional health. Growing up, I learned many unhealthy patterns of behavior that prevented me from forming healthy adult relationships. It took years to heal that damage, but I am grateful to have found the right tools, amazing people, and invaluable resources to clear my mind and body and learn a better way to live and ultimately relate to others.
Despite my troubled upbringing, I always had hope and carried the light of perseverance and survival with me. I was born wild and free, full of joy and wonder at the world. It wasn’t until later that my circumstances somewhat snuffed out those qualities. I have always been staunchly independent and strong-willed — virtues that allowed me to leave home at 17 and not only survive but also thrive, succeed in multiple careers, and find what I needed to be happy.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a professional writer, and I contract with national brands and local companies, mainly writing marketing materials such as blogs, brochures, web copy, and ads. My other passion is writing novels. In 2023, I wrote a children’s book, and this year, I published a self-help book called “Real Life and Relationships Don’t Mix.”
To cope with the chaos growing up, I read thousands of books from all different authors and genres, and at 14, I knew what I wanted to do with my life: write. My path was a bit scattered, though. My career started in accounting and then moved into technology. I owned a web agency for 15 years. Throughout that time, however, I never lost my desire to write. Fast forward to today, and I have been writing professionally for the past 11 years and love it!
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Some people are born leaders. I have never had trouble taking the reins to do what needed to be done. In group settings, I speak up to share my opinions and then execute them successfully. The three traits that best exemplify me and why I was able to succeed in multiple careers are:
- Perseverance: I have a “never give up” attitude. My father was a Vietnam vet who lost a leg. He never let that stop him from doing and being whatever he wanted, and I grew up learning that mindset. I have owned three businesses during my career, and even when things got tough, I didn’t give up; I just kept putting one foot in front of the other to make it work. When I started my web business, I had no job and no clients, but I knew I would succeed, and I didn’t worry about providing for myself or my daughter. I could always count on myself.
- Positivity: Even during the worst times, I have always looked towards the positive. Recently, my father passed away (May 2024), and despite the enormous amount of paperwork and tasks I had to complete each day, I tried to look at the positives of the situation. What did I learn? Was I able to help someone today? Being grateful for the little things makes success even sweeter.
- Confidence: With my web business, clients often came to me with a problem that required a complex custom software application or web solution. In the beginning, I often had no idea how I would accomplish the task, but I never let them see that. I would confidently say, “No problem,” and get to work. Thankfully, I have the confidence to trust myself to find a solution no matter the circumstances, and I have never let myself or a client down.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am writing a book about healthy eating and am excited to bring it to the public. It outlines a very different way of eating to provide people with all the vitamins and minerals they need daily based on reading signals from their bodies. I am also working on a fiction novel about childhood trauma and another non-fiction book about parenting.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
Growing up, I learned a lot about what not to do, and I carried those same behaviors into my early relationships and marriage.
After my divorce, I began to see myself more clearly through a process of tapping (also known as the emotional freedom technique) and meditation, learning techniques to change personality traits that I didn’t like about myself. As I changed, my relationships improved, my self-esteem and confidence grew, and I learned what it took to find and keep love alive for the long term. I have been in a 22+ year relationship with the same man, and we are more in love today than we were 20 years ago. We learned the keys to making it all work, and I share those tools with others seeking love and self-love through my relationship coaching.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
The main problem is not knowing yourself well enough to find the “right” person to love. We have this idea of what love should be. However, many of us don’t know who we are, let alone who our ideal partner should be. Plus, we live in a modern world where connections are all digital, and everything is online. This environment leaves us feeling very alone, separate, and isolated. Many of us don’t even want to venture out to find that special someone; it’s too scary. That is especially true of those of us whose parents fought and modeled relationships that looked like a prison rather than something wonderful or enjoyable.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
- A prevalent myth is that finding lasting love in the modern world is impossible. It is certainly more challenging, but it’s also very possible. I think people have given up hope, and more (especially younger generations, men mostly) have decided it’s not worth it, so they avoid relationships altogether. It’s a mindset shift; however, if you believe you can find love, you will.
- Another myth is that you must use online dating or apps; you can’t just meet people the “old-fashioned” way. There are still plenty of safe, appropriate meeting places such as parties, sporting events, the gym, or volunteering where you can get to know someone in real life before beginning a relationship, testing the waters, so to speak.
- Society and the media tend to force the idea that you must always be in a relationship, which can cause a lot of stress. Spending years alone (after a terrible breakup), getting to know myself, and improving things about myself I didn’t like was one of the healthiest times for me. Sometimes, being out of a relationship helps you find the right person more easily when you are ready.
- Opposites attract, but only sometimes. What drew me to the love of my life was our shared interests and how much we were alike, not different. The older I get, the more I desire harmony over friction. Sometimes, you want someone who can understand you and not challenge your every opinion.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
Undoubtedly, the world is a more complicated place than in years past and dating and finding love is often challenging. Instead of forcing things and feeling like you must hurry up and find love, take it easy. Find ways to enjoy life and improve your own happiness. Indulge in self-care and self-love, and you will naturally attract others to you, maybe even “the one.”
We often put an unhealthy importance on finding love and our perfect mate, which can cause stress and even make us unlovable when they do finally come along. Ironically, by focusing on ourselves and our needs, we simplify the process and move towards what we want more easily. Spend some time visualizing what it looks like to be in love and happy with that special person. Visualization is a great way to manifest what you want and build hope and confidence.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Social media is a great way to connect remotely with people. Years ago, I worked with a lonely, divorced man. He decided to go on Facebook and reconnect with some of his old high school friends. He struck up a conversation with a woman he knew in school, and over time, a romance bloomed. Eventually, he moved to be closer to her, and they are still happily married today. Some dos and don’ts for finding love through social media include:
- Do Verify: Be sure that the person you are speaking with is the actual person you think it is. There are a lot of scammers online. Verify everything.
- Do Share All of Yourself: Don’t hide pieces of yourself that you feel are unflattering; show yourself warts and all. If the person doesn’t like all of you, then they aren’t the right one for you.
- Don’t Trust Pictures Alone: A picture is worth a thousand words, but photos can be faked. When you feel comfortable, meet the person in public to match the persona to the person you have been connecting with. Watch for any red flags.
- Don’t Rely Too Much on Social Media: Social media can be an excellent way to connect with someone, but eventually, you must take it off the mat in real life and see how it holds up to scrutiny.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Some people are intimidated by social media and dating apps. However, we cannot deny that they can work. My daughter met her husband on a dating app. When online dating works, it’s an excellent tool for finding a compatible mate. However, we must be careful and remember that it’s not always clear who we are talking to.
- Do Shop Around: Don’t jump at the first connection. Spend some time talking to a few potential partners. Good looks may sell, but it doesn’t always indicate what a person is like underneath and looks eventually fade.
- Do Be Honest: Be your authentic self. Don’t pretend to be something you think they want; that will only lead to problems later.
- Do Choose the Right App: Check out the different types of apps and the potential connections. Some are for those looking for serious relationships, while others are for casual dating or hookups.
- Don’t Rush: Don’t move too quickly. Like in real life, you want to take things slow and get to know the person before falling head over heels.
- Don’t Overshare: Catfishing is a real problem on these sites, so you cannot be sure who you are dealing with. Don’t share personal information quickly. Allow the relationship to unfold slowly and learn all you can about the person before meeting them in real life.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Meeting people in person in a natural setting can work really well. First, you can connect through whatever drew you to that location. For example, meeting a partner at church makes sense if your faith is a big part of your life. You both share the same devotion to congregation and church. Some people find romance at a work convention. You start things off right by having some shared interests, then go from there.
When meeting people in public places, remember some of these dos and don’ts to stay safe and protect your heart.
- Do Take Things Slow: Even if sparks fly when you meet, take things slow. Don’t rush into anything too quickly. It takes time to really get to know someone. Listen with your mind and heart equally. Be open and honest but also cautious. Don’t put your heart out there before you are ready.
- Do Listen to Your Gut: If you perceive any red flags, walk away. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, cease all communication quickly. Don’t allow anyone to influence you in a way you don’t want.
- Don’t Be Desperate: Too many people are desperate to find love and hook up with the first person who shows them any interest. Be picky and talk to a few potential mates before getting closer to just one.
- Don’t Limit Yourself: I have a friend who has a “list” of the traits he wants in his women. If they don’t have all of them, they aren’t even an option for him. He has passed up many great women because they didn’t fit his ideal of the perfect person. Use your intuition instead of some formula for finding love. You’ll know when it’s right.
One of the best places to find love is sometimes a dear friend you already know and like. Take an inventory of your closest friends. Do any of them make you feel happy just being around them? Do you look forward to their texts and getting together even to do nothing at all? Love might be staring you in the face. After eight years alone, I found love in the last place I looked: my very best friend.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Busy people often don’t have much time to find love outside of work. I have engaged in a couple of workplace romances and actually met my ex-husband at work. Although that relationship ultimately did not work out, I don’t think there is anything wrong with a romantic partnership with someone you work with.
However, you must be careful to leave romance at home and remain professional throughout the workday. Also, be cautious of power dynamics. If you are engaged in a relationship with someone you supervise or who supervises you, it could cause HR or even legal problems for your company. Be sure to follow all the rules and policies of your organization.
It’s also a good idea to leave personal disputes (say you are arguing with your partner about who left dishes in the sink) out of the workplace. As long as you remain professional around everyone at work, it could be an excellent opportunity for love. For some couples, though, spending all day with your partner and seeing them at home at night may be too much togetherness. Remember that personal space is crucial to a healthy relationship.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Many of us start relationships on the wrong foot. We try to be what we think the other person wants, constantly conforming to their every whim. That level of falseness cannot be maintained without fallout. From the minute you meet someone, it’s crucial to be authentically you, even if you are silly, awkward, or insecure. Just be who you really are. Then, the other person knows what they are getting, and if you still like one another, you might have found a winner.
We can spend many years pretending to be someone we are not. I adopted relationship roles I wasn’t comfortable with, and eventually, it took its toll, and I started resenting my partner for all of it. After we broke up, only then did I look inward and realize I wasn’t being authentically me. Showing your vulnerable parts to your significant other builds trust. You must let down those closely guarded walls, or no one will be able to get through to love you. All of this begins with learning to love yourself first.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
I think the five most important things you need to navigate our complicated modern world to find love are:
1 . Patience: Love may not find you in a day or even on your own schedule. You must be patient and let it happen when it’s right. A friend of mine hates being alone. He jumps from relationship to relationship without waiting to find that special someone. He isn’t even in love with the women he has been with; his need to fill a gap is so strong that he cannot even wait for true love. It’s sad but a good lesson to learn from.
2 . Self-Love: No one can love you until you love yourself. When you love yourself, you know you are worthy of love and don’t need anyone else to love you. Sometimes, we give others unconscious signals that we don’t deserve love, and therefore, we don’t find it. When you love yourself, it radiates outward, and everyone around you cannot help but respond. For many years, I didn’t feel worthy of love, and even though my partner showed me in dozens of ways how he felt, I never felt “loved” because I didn’t believe I deserved it. Now I know I do, and I feel his love every single day.
3 . Self-Respect: Have the self-respect to wait for the right partner. Don’t settle for less; do not allow anyone to mistreat you. We all deserve the best life and love has to offer. Often, those in abusive relationships don’t know their own self-worth, and they continue to accept mistreatment. You alone decide what you want and what you are willing to live with.
4 . Openness/Flexibility: Today’s romantic relationships don’t fit the cookie-cutter mold of the past. People’s needs have changed, and relationships are not always the top priority in our modern, busy world. It’s essential to be open and flexible to new ways of connecting and being together. One way my partner and I demonstrate openness and flexibility is that we live next door to one another and have solid boundaries about visiting each other. Our text-first rule preserves our individual privacy. Flexibility opens you up to more options and a healthier, better relationship where everyone is happy and free to spread their wings and soar.
5 . Self-awareness: While managing the expectations of others is essential, you must also deeply understand your personal needs and wants. You can only be happy with a partner when you know precisely what you need from them and if they can deliver. You can openly discuss this as a couple, and if they cannot satisfy your desires, you may need to move on and find someone else. Be reasonable; don’t expect your partner to be your everything. Cultivate independence so you “want” them but don’t “need” them.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Unfortunately, I don’t subscribe to any love or relationships podcasts. However, I have been inspired by Amy Scher, Brene’ Brown, Louise Hay, Gabby Bernstein, and others in my journey of self-improvement and looking for love. Leo Buscaglia has written some beautiful books on love. David Ji, the meditation guru, injects love into all his teachings. My book “Real Life and Relationships Don’t Mix” has many helpful resources in the appendix, including books, energy healing techniques, meditations, tapping exercises, videos, affirmations, and outstanding practitioners. I have woven dozens of tips, tricks, and relationship hacks throughout the stories to help keep love alive and improve your relationship.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I cannot stress the positive impact of couples living separately from one another. Moving in together sounds great at first, but then the stressors of day-to-day life can creep in, and suddenly, each person feels less personal space, crowded, and often controlled. When you live separately, you retain your independence, power, privacy, and control. It allows you to meet your partner on a level playing field and give them the best of you without any built-up resentments of living in the same space daily.
This practice is called Living Apart Together (LAT), and in working on my book promotion, I learned that it’s estimated that around 10% of adults in Western Europe, the United States, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia live apart from their romantic partners. It worked wonders in my relationship with my partner of 22 years. We live right next door. It solves 99% of any relationship problems. We don’t fight about money, the heat, food, etc., because we each have our own spaces to go home to at night, and we don’t step on each other’s toes, but we are closer than most married couples.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I encourage readers to visit my website, morepositiveoutcomes.com, for dozens of tips on living a more fulfilled life and finding love. Readers can also find me on Medium. You can also pick up a copy of my book, “Real Life and Relationships Don’t Mix,” on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, available in various formats.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Dawna Roberts on How to Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.