An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Setting Boundaries: The fact is there is no way of overcoming people-pleasing without re-establishing all the boundaries in your relationships. Boundaries are the blueprints of a relationship that highlights what is OK and not OK. They give relationships their structure and help us communicate our needs and expectations.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Menije Boduryan-Turner of Embracing You Therapy.
Dr. Menije is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles. As the founder of Perfectionism University, an online platform for self-help courses on breaking up with perfectionism, her goal is to create a community where we can all unlearn Perfectionism and start our journey of embracing imperfections and owning our enoughness.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
My name is Dr Menije, and I was born in Istanbul, Turkey. It is fair to say my story got a bit more interesting once my family and I moved to the States two weeks before I turned 15. Making a drastic change at a pivotal point of my adolescence definitely gave me and my therapist a lot to talk about later in therapy. While I grew up in a loving home with two parents and an older brother, I realized from a young age there were cultural and societal messages for young girls that promoted being compliant and easygoing. Clearly, it wasn’t something I could put into words as a young child, but during therapy as an adult, you uncover and recognize the subtle message you were surrounded with that promoted people-pleasing tendencies that were masked as “being a good student” or “well-behaved child.”
Moving to the States as a 15-year-old, I am forever grateful for the opportunities that came from it. I am also aware of my privileges when I noticed how my family and I moved to the States easily and safely, a piece that isn’t common for so many immigrant families nowadays. However, there is an experience that shapes all immigrant teens, which is being a translator for your parents. It creates a complicated relationship with your parents where in public, you almost become their “equal” and be seen as an adult because you sit at the Parent-teacher conferences and translate things for your parents. But once you are back home, your role shifts back to being the child and losing some “power.” I think the role I took for my parents continued for years, even if my parent’s language abilities improved. It creates for many adults who themselves or their parents have immigrated to take on the “helper” role in the family. I noticed after years of therapy that there is a delicate balance between supporting your family and being a fixer.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am a licensed psychologist and founder of a group practice in Los Angeles where we work with teens and adults on how to thrive, not just survive, each day. What I love about my professional journey is that I truly didn’t know exactly how it would evolve, which is something I share with my clients when they feel the pressure to “know” what they have to do with their lives. I remind them to just take one step at a time because that’s what I did. After taking the Psychology 101 course as an undergraduate at UC San Diego, I started my studies in Psychology with a single thought, “I think I like this enough to study for the next four years.” Throughout my graduate studies, I worked with diverse populations, ranging from working with children with Autism for nine years to working at a drug and alcohol treatment center for five years as Clinical Director. After having my daughter in 2017, I decided to start my own private practice, which has grown into a successful group practice where we serve hundreds of people per month. Looking back, I realize how much of life is about adapting to changes and transitioning from one chapter to the next; becoming a psychologist feels like an authentic and fulfilling role.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
Let me start by saying this: we are hard-wired for social connection. Yes, we need food and shelter to survive, but we know since birth we seek skin-to-skin contact as infants, not because we need food, but because we need connection, which turns out to be the most soothing experience for an infant. If we develop a secure attachment with our caregivers and continue to have healthy attachments later with other adults who play parental figures in our lives and become our role models, then we develop a healthy sense of self.
This importance of connection in our lives shapes the definition of People-pleasing, which can be viewed at some level as having an “unhealthy connection.” You can think of it as an innate need for connection that has gone south. Ultimately, in people-pleasing, we lose the balance between our needs and others’ needs. It is an imbalance where others’ needs come before ours. We focus so much on “pleasing” other people that we forget to take care of ourselves, set boundaries, and seek healthy and fair resolutions when conflict happens.
What we also know to be true about the source of people-pleasing is that we “please” others to ultimately feel a sense of belonging, security, love, and safety. When you acknowledge how vital these core needs are, e.g., the need for belonging, security, love, and safety, then you can understand how any one of us can go to extremes, such as pleasing people, to meet them.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
People-pleasing is often rewarded with praise and compliments. You are told how kind, helpful, or considerate you are. You are lifted up for your people-pleasing behaviors because, ultimately, your people-pleasing behaviors make others’ lives much easier. The fact is, everyone around you loves your people-pleasing behaviors — except you! People-pleasing stops being “fun” when it eventually exhausts you! No matter how hard you try, one thing you will not be able to avoid is that people-pleasing will deplete you! It will make you exhausted and burn out. The worst is that it will bring with it resentment and anger. You will start to resent others that they never return the favor. You will start to get angry with others that they are not thinking about you or considering your needs as easily and often as you have been attending to their needs. The challenge of people-pleasing is that it is not sustainable and attainable. There is no finish line when it comes to people-pleasing because there is always more you can do for others.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Since people-pleasing is about putting the needs of others before yours, it requires one to be very good at identifying the needs of others. People-pleasers tend to be empathetic, emotionally attuned, and curious people. They are so observant that often, they can name the needs of others before the other person even says a word. This awareness towards others and situations comes with attention to detail and being very organized. While these are all wonderful qualities, ultimately, the negative consequences of people-pleasing, as we discussed earlier, will triumph over any of these positive qualities of the people-pleaser.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
My people-pleasing behaviors heightened my need for perfectionism. I felt like I had to be a perfect friend, perfect student, and perfect partner to fit in and be happy. Being hyper-focused on other’s approval of you and liking of you is a dead-end street. You start to lose sense of who you are when you are too focused on what others need. You focus too much on being what others want you to be and you lose touch with what your wants are of yourself.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
There is a belief that people pleasers began as parent-pleasers. As children, people-pleasers grew up with the responsibility to always gaze at the needs of others and check the “temperature” of the room. Unfortunately, these responses are what we call survival responses to help a child maneuver unpredictable and unstable family environments. Most people carry these tendencies into their adulthood as people-pleasers.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
People-pleasing ultimately hurts the communication and boundaries of any relationship where the needs of each partner aren’t communicated openly, nor is it met equally and fairly. The relationship becomes one-sided, where people-pleasers always meet the needs of the other person. In terms of communication, people-pleasers always avoid confrontation to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings or causing trouble. Inevitably, this creates more tension, and often, people-pleasers end up having passive-aggressive communication. Meaning, they may be easygoing initially to avoid confrontation and please others; but unmet needs lead to resentment and they may eventually “blow up.”
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
Very similar to personal relationships, in professional relationships, the relationship will feel very unequal and unfair, leaving the people pleaser to feel taken advantage of or taken for granted. The communication also suffers even at a professional level because a people-pleaser always feels responsible for being a “good” employee or a team player, which means never raising a concern. Overall, people pleasers feel the pressure ot be overly accommodating, leading them to agree to tasks, responsibilities, or schedules that either puts too much on their plate or simply go against their professional goals and dreams.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
It is because of the serious negative impact on one’s mental health that people-pleasing is known as a very toxic and unhealthy behavior. While there is no specific order or a fixed number of symptoms one will experience because of people-pleasing, the most common mental health symptoms are mood changes, such as an increase in depressed mood, anxiety, and irritability, a decrease in one’s self-esteem and self-worth, sleep disturbances as evidenced by having a hard time falling asleep or staying a sleep. When you struggle with people pleasing you overall feel lonely and isolated because ultimately you don’t have an authentic and solid connection with people. As mentioned earlier, we are wired for social connection, and without healthy and safe connections in our lives, we will experience the deepest pain called loneliness.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is a crucial part of living. It is the act of staying in the present moment and observing what we are experiencing, whether that is a feeling, a thought, or a behavior like people-pleasing. What I would need to add is that it is NEVER enough just to be self-aware. Because I have many clients who “know” what they are doing but still can’t “change it.” We want to have self-awareness with self-compassion where we are kind towards ourselves for our tendencies, forgive ourselves for the choices we made, e.g. not saying no when we needed to, then decide how we want to move forward. In terms of cultivating it, as mentioned above, self-awareness requires non-judgmental observation of one’s experiences. This will require you to have what mindfulness calls an “observer mind” and watch your thoughts and urges, e.g., I have the strong urge to fix this problem for my mom. This is where I would encourage everyone to start by observing their tendencies and learning to engage in opposite actions.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Setting Boundaries: The fact is there is no way of overcoming people-pleasing without re-establishing all the boundaries in your relationships. Boundaries are the blueprints of a relationship that highlights what is OK and not OK. They give relationships their structure and help us communicate our needs and expectations.
2 . Loving yourself: another fact about people-pleasing is that at the core of it, people struggle with low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. Some of us may have very traumatic experiences to explain these fears, and for others, it may be small negative events that piled on top of each other. When you repair the relationship you have with yourself and genuinely feel connected to yourself, it becomes much easier to set bounoudaties with others.
3 . Engage in Opposite Action: At the end of the day, you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Creating your opposite-action plan means you literally identify when X happens; instead of doing Y, I am going to do Z. For example, next month, “when my sister calls and needs help with her car payment again, I am going to say no instead of letting her take (not borrow because I know she hasn’t paid me back at all) another $100.”
4 . Challenge your Perfectionism: People-pleasers have very high expectations of what a perfect relationship should look like that ultimately drive their people-pleasing behaviors. Their view of the perfect relationship is so rigid and unattainable that it drives them and other people crazy. For example, a people-pleaser may think, “There should be no fighting in a perfect relationship; we should always be happy” or “A good friend means I am always there for people.” When you have such an unattainable view of what a perfect relationship looks like or how you should be in a relationship, it will force you to be a people pleaser.
5 . Spend time with yourself: People-pleasers really don’t like being alone or hanging out just by themselves. It makes them quite uncomfortable and anxious. And if they are just by themselves, let’s say on a Friday night, I bet they are doing some errands, like working or cleaning the house. Because if they stay busy, they won’t have to sit with themselves. A healthy way to break the cycle of people pleasing is getting to do things on your own that you like or things that make you love yourself more. Think about what makes you happy: is it creating, moving your body, cooking, or reading? What stimulates your mind and soul? When you do things that make you feel alive and connected to your body and mind, then you start to enjoy your company and look forward to those me-times.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
It starts with psychoeducation because we can’t change what we don’t know or understand. Unfortunately, many people grow up in families with poor boundaries that still goes on. What I have seen in therapy with my clients is that poor and unhealthy boundaries have become their “norm” because that’s all they saw and knew. I don’t say this to blame any parent or villainize them because I know this is generational unhealthy behaviors that were passed down from one generation to the next. Hopefully, it stops with you. Therefore, it is crucial to start by learning the signs of healthy vs unhealthy boundaries. Can you describe the difference between enmeshed vs. rigid boundaries? If not, start with a book or a YouTube video. The second step is to identify your behaviors and compare it to the signs of healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries. You have to be honest with yourself about where you fall. Next, I also ask people to identify their triggers. Meaning, when, where, and with whom do you have these unhealthy boundaries? If we know your triggers, for example, when my boss emails me on a Friday afternoon, I have a really hard time saying no, then you and I can come up with an action plan on what to do next time you face this trigger. And no, the answer is not always to quit your job or end a relationship just because the boundaries have been unhealthy or out of balance. There is always room for repair and improvement.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
For an empathetic person, becoming more assertive can feel scary or threatening because it goes against their false belief. People-pleassers often have the false belief that “I must be there for everyone” or “I just don’t want to hurt their feelings,” or “it is rude to say no.” In order to be more assertive consistently and firmly, you have to reframe these thoughts with compassion. It is adopting new beliefs like “It is okay to do what’s best for me” or “I love you, and I am still going to say no.” Here is one of my favorite mantras: “I can set limits with love.” Remind yourself that you are not being a “bad” friend, partner, or coworker for changing your people-pleasing tendencies. You are worthy of taking care of yourself and having relationships that are fulfilling and real.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
People pleasers can be misunderstood as controlling or needy. Because they are often in charge and do everything for everyone, they can be seen as controlling and power-hungry. We also know that people-pleasing leads to lots of resentment and burnout, so people-pleasers can be seen as “always angry” or “frustrated,” when in reality, they are really tired and feeling unappreciated. I think these misperceptions can hinder someone from asking for help and asserting their needs. For example, if a people-pleaser were to tell their family, “These tasks have been a lot on me lately, can you take over some of them?” or “I have been feeling unappreciated and unsupported,” others may respond with defense by saying “well you never told me that” or “you always do things right away, you don’t let anyone take over, you love the control.” This obviously leads to nowhere and can make a people-pleaser feel even more guilty or ashamed because they feel blamed. This reminds us that when you decide to change your people-pleasing tendencies, for it to be successful, it will require others in your life to be open to change, receptive to feedback, and reciprocate healthy communication and boundaries. With the above scenario, we are hoping for others to say to a people-pleaser, “I am glad you are sharing these with me; I want you to know I appreciate all that you do, and I am happy to share the load with you.”
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy for people-pleasing tendencies will serve a variety of purposes and support. Not only will it address the mental load the people-pleasing had on you, but it will also address the unhealthy beliefs that reinforced your people-pleasing behaviors. Once we can reframe the beliefs and create a framework for what healthy relationships look like, I believe that therapy has to be practical, where you get to create action plans and engage in role plays with your therapist so you don’t just talk the talk but also walk the walk. As you make changes in your life in the present moment, therapy is also the safe place to revisit the origins of your people-pleasing behaviors. After all, each one of us has stories from our childhood that shape our adult behaviors and relationships. As we revisit earlier life experiences and process difficult events and interactions that led to your people-pleasing, you can act in the present moment with more clarify, forgivenss, and calm.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
For me, the most important movement of my life has been to learn to embrace our imperfections so we can honor and love our authentic selves deeply and wholly. Sadly, we try so hard to do it all, be perfect all the time, and take care of everything for everyone. If we can let go of our perfectionism and let go of all the high expectations we have ourselves, maybe we can realize with a little bit more clarity that we are enough as we are. After all, feeling worthy is our birthright. We don’t need to earn it; we just need to claim it.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
The best place to find me is on social media at @dr.menije (Instagram). If you are in CA, I have a group practice, https://embracingyoutherapy.com/therapy-for-codependency/, where you can work with me and my team.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Thank you for having me here! I truly enjoyed our collaboration. All the best to you as well!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Dr. Menije Boduryan-Turner of Embracing You Therapy On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.