As we have all found, dating and relationships often involve setbacks and challenges. Resilience is very important in this modern dating world. It allows you to bounce back from disappointments, learn from experiences, and continue seeking love despite obstacles.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Fiona Eckersley.
Fiona Eckersley is a Confidence Coach, Author and Divorce Recovery and Dating Expert who helps women after midlife divorce to achieve confidence, security and control over their lives.
As a stay at home mother of 4, Fiona found herself blindsided by a divorce at the age of 45 years old. Having lost all sense of who she actually was and where her life was now heading, she spent years grappling with self doubt, negative emotions and toxic relationships before finally believing her worth and understanding how to move positively forward. Fiona now uses her experiences to help other women avoid the years of searching and provide a clear pathway to their new, better life.
As the author of two Amazon best sellers, Fearful To Fabulous: Unlock Your Power, Move on and Thrive After Midlife Divorce and Too Scared To Love Again: The Divorced Woman’s Guide to Sidestep the Red Flags, Delight in Dating and Find the Love You Deserve, Fiona has been featured on numerous podcasts, including Divorced Dialogues and Being Single from Divorce Source Radio.
Fiona has been quoted as an expert in Newsweek andBustle and has contributed several full length articles in publications including Thrive Global, Medium.com, UpJourney.com and Best Self Magazine.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in the North of England. I had 2 very much older sisters. I spent a great deal of my time reading anything and everything that I could get my hands on. Including, some very inappropriate books that I found in my sisters’ rooms. Looking back, I see that it was my way of escaping the rather chaotic family life that I had. My father was an abusive alcoholic and for a long time my mother tried to keep up with him…whether to keep him happy or cope with the way life was going, I don’t know. I was very much ashamed of this situation and definitely didn’t want my friends to know so my social and school life was very much separated from that of my family.
I was clear on the idea that I was getting out of that house and away from the industrial town I grew up in as soon as possible. I could only see two alternatives…Marriage, like my sisters, or go to college. The first was not an option that I had any desire to take. So, although no one else in my family had gone to school beyond age 16, I made sure that I passed enough exams to get into school to become a teacher.
My career as a teacher found me working in Great Britain, Sierra Leone and finally the United States, where I still live.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
When I was 44 years old, I had been married for 17 years. I was settled in my life as a wife and mother and looking to the future as I watched my children grow. Then one Sunday afternoon I learned that indeed my whole life was about to be flipped upside down and the future that I had seen as secure was going to be completely different when my husband announced that he was filing for divorce. I was devastated and made many bad decisions and common mistakes. Since then I have learned to overcome my own self-limiting, negative thoughts, emotional blocks and incorrect beliefs. I understood what was holding me back from what I wanted to achieve. Today I help other women fast track that process to find their joy, confidence, the truth about who they really are and their voice.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
I would have to say that resilience has to be the trait that has served me best throughout my life. The ability to face setbacks and challenges by bouncing back and adapting to new circumstances has meant that I have “reinvented” myself on several occasions. From finding myself at a total loss when I first became a single mother with no idea where to turn next, to taking control of what I wanted my life to be would prove to be a good example of this trait. Never let the circumstances you find yourself in now dictate what is going to happen in your life going forward.
Finding the feeling of confidence in myself was a key component to my being able to do anything in my life. There have been many situations in my life where I have been faced with a new challenge that truly I had never faced before, was definitely not “qualified” for, or it was something that seemed I was sure to fail at. Yet I did it anyway- and generally got the outcome I wanted or it pushed me in the direction I needed to go. Writing my books would definitely be an example of this. That endeavor seemed to be something that was beyond my capabilities. And anyway….who would be interested in what I had to say? I did it anyway and I see the results in the emails I receive from those who tell me how much my words have helped them.
I can be a bit of a risk taker. Not in the physical way- you would definitely never find me trying cliff diving! However, when it comes to leaving my comfort zone to try something new, I have found that this has propelled a lot of my successes in life. In my earlier life, that looked like going to teach on different continents. In my later life, that looked like quitting my teaching job to work with clients full time and standing on stages to talk about how to change your life.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I have been working on my self-guided video courses to help women to take control over their life again. Learning how to get a handle on finances, manage destructive behaviors, reframe negative emotions, and create a vision for their future. Including, if that is something they want, how to find a positive new romantic relationship. Not everyone is in a position to work one on one with a coach and I want to make sure that everyone has access to these life changing messages and exercises.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
For almost a decade now I have been speaking to, and working with, people who have gone through a midlife divorce which has left them feeling lost, devastated, and feeling that they are the problem in their life. Using simple tools such as meditation, journaling exercises, visualization, goal setting and the elimination of a lifetime of limiting beliefs, I work with them to release the negative thoughts and emotions that are stifling their ability to move positively forward. In this way, reducing stress, eliminating bad habits, and increasing their self worth and confidence. This in turn opens the door for more financial stability through career improvement, loving relationships through a better understanding of themselves and what they need and deserve, and the feeling of control that allows the setting of goals and laying out the path to reach them.
Low self esteem can lead to health and financial issues, and I believe that this does not need to be, and should definitely not be, the future of many older women in this country. Not only are the women themselves impacted, but also their families and the children who continue in the generational patterns that have brought them to this point. Through my coaching and books, I believe that by helping and educating my clients to overcome these patterns and finding a new, positive way to live, I’m not only able to improve their quality of life, but those of future generations of women.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
I believe that sometimes it can be as simple as you are trying too hard! For many there is an idealized vision of what “finding love” is all about, and that can cause a couple of things to happen. One is that you can keep looking for that perfect butterflies in the stomach, floating on air feeling with your perfect match. Including looks, social position and all that goes with that. This leads you to quickly reject partners that are perfectly lovely, but not perfect for some of the wrong reasons, and it takes you from date to date, becoming more disillusioned with the options out there for you. Or, you are so focused on finding “the one” that it causes you to ignore red flags and make excuses for behavior that deep down you know is not right for you. Ultimately, this causes unhappiness in the relationship and the opposite of what you desired.
Another very common impediment that I have seen is a lack of self worth in those looking for love. If you can not believe that you are worthy of love, it’s a sure bet that even though you are out there looking, it will be hard to find someone who isn’t convinced- by you- that maybe you are too flawed to be their ultimate match.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
Believing that you have to be perfect to find love is really going to hold you back. Let’s face it, in reality nobody is perfect! Just remember that it’s important to be yourself in a relationship. Authenticity is more attractive than perfection. Your quirks and imperfections are what make you unique and lovable.
With my clients I hear all the time, “I’m too old to find love.” Not only have I seen through many clients that this simply isn’t true, but at 59 myself, I can attest that love has no age limit. Many people find love later in life, and being older can bring a wealth of life experience and wisdom to a relationship. For me, I found that all the lessons I have learned from past experiences have helped me to not only know what I want, and who I want, but how to communicate effectively in my relationship.
“Online dating is full of scammers”, is a comment that I hear all the time. Well, yes. That’s a valid concern, and it’s important to be cautious when using online dating sites. However, using common sense and sensible practices, you can navigate this space to find a match. Definitely use reputable dating sites and while you are on there protect your personal information. It sounds so simple, but trust your instincts: If something feels off or too good to be true, trust your gut and proceed with caution.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
It really goes back to the idea of expectations again. If you are ready to find love you need to go into this process with a sense of fun and adventure. The whole experience will seem to flow in a much easier manner. If you approach each new date with the hope that this is going to be “it” then the weight of that expectation will almost doom it from the start. As this goes on and on, the sense of disillusionment grows.
Building confidence in yourself and losing any sense of desperation is key to letting go of the things that haven’t been working for you and being able to walk away when a date or even a relationship is not right for you. As you feel good about yourself, you can also realize that when someone ghosts you, or suddenly stops communicating, or you have a particularly bad date, it isn’t necessarily about you at all. It sounds crazy to say when undertaking such an intimate task as finding love, but you really can’t take any of these things personally. These new people on the other side of the computer screen, or sitting across from you on a bar stool, really don’t know you. They move on for many other reasons and practically all of them are to do with their life experiences, baggage or inability to focus in the “shiny object” world of online dating.
The ability to spot the red flags and lose the excuses we all have made for partners in the past. -thinking that we can fix them- will leave space in your life for those that may have some human imperfections, but are someone who you feel you can love and have a healthy and happy relationship with.
Figuring out WHAT exactly you want from a relationship and being clear on boundaries will ensure that this time you can find the love you deserve.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
As a woman I have found that I often get friend requests on social media from men who have come across my pages. Unfortunately, I have to say that the vast majority of them turn out to be profiles that I need to block. I have had women clients who have thought they were meeting someone new and interesting only to be ultimately asked for money or too much personal information from someone they met through facebook or instagram. My advice is to always be wary of anyone friending you that you do not know. You should check out their profile, even if it says you have friends in common. Often their posts are all within a short period of days or maybe a couple of weeks. They may say they are from a U.S. state but all their friends live in another country. The information they share seems not to make sense. And please, please use common sense. An incredibly handsome military surgeon working for the United Nations and living in Saudi Arabia with a name that consists of two first names, ( Michael James), who declares that he just had to friend you because your posts and photos so intrigued him, is probably not real. Either that or all of his brothers have been contacting me for a couple of years and I’m really missing out!
However, you may connect with friends of friends through Facebook or other social networking sites and this is a way to make sure that you have a better idea that you know what and who you are signing up for.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
These days, you’re probably more likely to meet a potential date online than in person. Dating apps are easy to use for the most part and can provide you with more information that gives you a head start to if you would like to actually meet this person. However, it’s important to remember that any person you meet online is a stranger. No matter how often you write to each other online, you don’t really begin to know this person until you meet face to face.
The biggest mistakes start from the instant singles begin to write profiles. Writing about yourself as the person you’d like to be, rather than the person you actually are, is a problem because you are then attracting someone who doesn’t really want you but rather the “fantasy you” that you have created. Being truly honest will match you with the right one for you. I would suggest that you keep your profile as simple and easy-to-read as possible and do not make it into a novel. Flipping through profiles, most of us have a pretty short attention span and if you have to read a novel, it can mean they leave before the end. Three paragraphs should be more than enough. For guidance, here is a basic framework:
- Open a window for the matches to see who you are. -Talk about the type of person you are.
- Give a snapshot of your life — Make sure that you include things that you are really passionate about.
- What you are looking for — As this is a search for a partner, include what you are looking for. Leave out the ‘tall dark and handsome’ description but rather stick to the values you are looking for.
- Lastly comes the dreaded photo selection. — Do not put up a profile without a photo. That will get less attention or cause people to think that there is some sinister reason why there isn’t one.
Some people lie. In online dating profiles, people often fudge the truth about their age and weight, and the discrepancies usually aren’t a huge deal. But some people lie about big stuff, like gender, occupation, and marital status. Again, anyone you meet online is a stranger until you meet face to face and start the process of really getting to know each other.
Just as you’d never hand your address to a stranger walking down the street, you should never give such personal information to a person you meet online. Save that exchange for after you’ve been on at least a few in-person dates.
A blank computer screen is seductive. Beware the temptation to share more than you should, whether on your Facebook page, in an online chat room, or in a tweet stream. The Internet is forever, and you don’t want to face long-term embarrassment for a spur-of-the-moment decision to post a comment or picture that’s risqué or otherwise inappropriate.
After you make an online connection, don’t wait more than a week or two before arranging to see each other in person. Any longer than that, and you’re just perpetuating a fantasy and building a false sense of intimacy. Also, if anyone is reluctant to meet in person, or at least video chat, that is a red flag. What may they be hiding? And no, the camera on their phone is not really broken for an extended period of time!
Use common sense when posting information about yourself online. Your home address, photos of yourself when you were drunk and half-dressed, and your sexual fantasies have no place on the Internet. Censor yourself, or you’ll live to regret it.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
If you meet someone other than online, the communication begins in a subtler way than it would when you both know the express purpose of your communication is looking for a date. You chat about what is going on in the moment or perhaps about mutual friends and interests. Allow yourself to be approachable. Smile, make eye contact, and have open body language to signal that you’re open to conversation. Ask questions and show interest in getting to know the other person. You should also pay attention to how things seem to be going. Look for cues that indicate whether the other person is interested in continuing the conversation or not. If it looks like they are, follow up and don’t be afraid to ask for their contact information or suggest meeting again.
However, avoid coming on too strongly or making the other person uncomfortable. If the other person seems disinterested or uncomfortable, respect their space and move on. As this is a real life situation and you don’t have that profile written out for you it can be tempting to rely solely on physical appearance. While attraction is important, try to get to know the person beyond just their looks if you have the chance.
Finally, hey, if it doesn’t work out, don’t get discouraged. Rejection is a natural part of dating. Don’t let it discourage you from continuing to put yourself out there.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Workplace romances can be rewarding, but they require careful consideration and management to navigate the potential challenges effectively. It’s important for individuals involved in workplace romances to communicate openly, set boundaries, and prioritize professionalism to maintain a healthy balance between their personal and professional lives. Workplace romances can blossom from shared interests, goals, and values, as colleagues often spend a significant amount of time together. Being in a relationship with a coworker can provide a unique level of support and understanding, as both individuals are familiar with the demands and challenges of the workplace.
However, in many places you may need to keep an eye to the workplace rules also. If HR needs to be informed, that can be another big consideration. There may be perceived or real conflicts of interest, especially if the relationship involves a supervisor and a subordinate. Then again you might also have to worry about workplace gossip and scrutiny, which can be distracting and uncomfortable for the individuals involved. A big thing to consider is if the relationship ends, it can lead to awkwardness, tension, and potential challenges in working together.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Authenticity is crucial in any relationship — more so when you plan on having a lasting, loving partnership. From the very beginning, even before you meet if you are writing a dating profile, you need to be truthful about who you are and what you want. When you’re authentic in your interactions, you’re more likely to attract people who resonate with the real you, leading to more meaningful connections. Authenticity can also mean being true to yourself and your values and not compromising in order to try to fit in and make a relationship work. When you are true to yourself, it allows you to form a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and acceptance. This makes it much easier for a relationship to weather the normal ups and downs of life.
Being vulnerable and authentic allows you to show your true self to others, which can help build trust in a relationship. When you’re open about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences, it encourages the other person to do the same. Vulnerability is very hard for many people, especially if they have been through a bad relationship in the past. However, if you can open yourself up and allow it, vulnerability can be the key to deep emotional intimacy, and will create a space for genuine connection and understanding to flourish.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Communication is always first on my list. Being honest about your thoughts, feelings, and needs, and listening actively to your partner, fosters understanding and strengthens emotional bonds. I know that when I was younger in my past relationships, I would worry about starting any kind of ‘conflict’ or that my partner would be upset with me and possibly think badly of me, so I did not speak up in any way. The result, of course, was that I was unsatisfied with all kinds of things, which led to resentment and a general sense that this relationship is not working out.Thankfully, I know much better now! Everyone needs to communicate how they feel — in a loving, respectful way — even if it means that it leads to things not working out. Better to know. Also, a very important component to this is that everyone needs to be mindful of the other partner’s point of view and listen to what they have to say.
2 .Related to the first point is that you need to understand your own needs, values, and boundaries. That is crucial in finding a compatible partner. Being self-aware allows you to communicate effectively and make decisions that align with your values.
For example, my client, ’Jane’, realized through self-reflection that she valued honesty and open communication in a relationship. This awareness helped her recognize when a potential partner wasn’t meeting her standards, leading her to end the relationship and seek someone who shared her values.
3 . The ability to adapt to change and navigate uncertainty is essential in modern dating. Being adaptable allows you to adjust to different dating norms, communication styles, and relationship dynamics. Especially for those of us who are older and more likely to think that what has been in past relationships, is the only way. However, that has clearly not worked out so far- otherwise you would not be dating still. Trying something new, breaking old patterns and getting out of your comfort zone can really help.
For example, with online dating being such a big part of our modern dating life now, it is reasonable to assume that you might meet a wonderful partner who lives quite a distance away. Instead of outright rejecting this, why not give it a try and see how things work out. Your adaptability and willingness to communicate can effectively help you maintain a strong connection despite the distance.
4 . Being able to recognize and manage your own emotions, as well as empathize with the feelings of others, is important in building healthy relationships. Having emotional intelligence allows you to navigate conflicts, communicate effectively, and show empathy towards your partner.
For example, when talking to my client, ‘John’, about a disagreement he was having in his new relationship, he found his ability to tap into his emotional intelligence, and this helped him navigate the situation with his partner calmly and respectfully. By acknowledging his own feelings and understanding his partner’s perspective, he was able to resolve the conflict without damaging their relationship.
5 . As we have all found, dating and relationships often involve setbacks and challenges. Resilience is very important in this modern dating world. It allows you to bounce back from disappointments, learn from experiences, and continue seeking love despite obstacles.
Most of my clients are coming to find love again from the pain of a divorce or after a long relationship that ended suddenly. Once they have done the work to find out who they are in this new world and what it is they really desire form a relationship, their resilience is what helps them to approach new relationships with a positive outlook and openness to love again.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
Well, besides my own books, ;), I would have to say that a book that I return to time and again is “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendrixs. Not necessarily to do with love and dating, but fabulous lessons and truths for all aspects of life.
A great podcast to listen to is “Divorced Dialogues” with Katherine Miller, from the Miller Law Group. Also, “Being Single”, with Steve and Toni.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I think that if we can all learn to judge less — both others and ourselves- then there would be a lot less conflict in the world.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
To get my books and to find out more about me and my work,
https://Findfabulouswithfiona.com
Or Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/Coachfionaeckersley
If you would like to speak to me directly, https://callfabfiona.as.me
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewer: Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact. At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Fiona Eckersley On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.