Hui Ting Kok of Helix Mental Health Counseling Practice On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser
Surround yourself with people who respect boundaries and support your self-advocacy. I’ve made a conscious effort to distance myself from people who aren’t respectful of my boundaries. Over time, I’ve learned that true friendships and connections don’t require me to overextend myself or compromise my values to keep others happy. Being surrounded by supportive people has strengthened my confidence in setting boundaries, reminding me that those who genuinely care for us will value and respect our needs.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Hui Ting Kok.
Hui Ting Kok (she/her) is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Credentialed Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Counselor in NY. She has experience providing therapy to clients in both non-profit and private practice settings. Hui Ting works with individuals with anxiety and depressive symptoms, trauma-related conditions, and helped many clients overcome these challenges and lead more fulfilling lives.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I was born and raised in Malaysia in a Malaysian Chinese family, and education was always a big focus in my household. My parents were really supportive — they signed me up for all kinds of classes, from piano and ballet to art, because they wanted me to have as many skills as possible to succeed in the future. I also went to a pretty strict school, with lots of rules and high expectations, so there was a constant pressure to do well, both academically and in all the extracurricular activities I was involved in. Looking back, it wasn’t always easy trying to balance everything. But those experiences really taught me a lot about time management and resilience. It also made me realize how important it is to have a strong support system. All of that shaped who I am today and ultimately led me to the work I do in mental health — helping others navigate their own challenges, just like I did growing up.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I’m currently a psychotherapist in private practice, where I focus on treating anxiety, trauma, depression, stress, and mental health issues specific to the Asian community. One thing I’ve noticed is that mental health often doesn’t get the same attention as physical health, especially in the Asian community where there’s still a lot of stigma around mental health issues. Growing up, I went to a very competitive school, and many of my friends struggled under pressure without realizing the toll it took on their mental well-being. That really inspired me to become a therapist, not only to address mental health issues more proactively but also to help change the stigma around it. I specialize in this work because I understand the unique challenges that Asians face, and I want to provide the kind of support that I felt was often missing.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
A people pleaser is someone who goes out of their way to make sure others are happy and content in every interaction. They feel uncomfortable or may even experience distress if they sense that others are unhappy with them or disapprove of their actions. Often, their behaviors are motivated by anticipating or avoiding negative reactions from others.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
A few challenges that come with being a people pleaser include doing things that aren’t in alignment with one’s own values just to make others happy, sacrificing personal needs, and struggling to maintain healthy boundaries. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment or frustration, especially when personal needs aren’t met or boundaries are repeatedly overlooked in the effort to ensure others are pleased.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Yes, being a people pleaser can provide certain advantages. Most people tend to like those who aim to please them, so being a people pleaser can make others view you more favorably. Additionally, you may be more readily accepted in a group or community because you adhere to group norms or cultural values. People-pleasing can also help avoid conflicts or confrontations, which helps maintain harmony in social interactions.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
Absolutely. I remember one moment that really opened my eyes to the cost of people-pleasing. A few years ago, some friends invited me to a weekend event. It wasn’t something I was interested in, but I didn’t want to let them down or seem unsupportive, so I said yes. The days leading up to it, I felt this building sense of dread, but I brushed it off, convincing myself that it would be fine. When I got there, I quickly realized how out of place I felt. I wasn’t enjoying myself, and I found myself counting the minutes until I could leave. Later, I felt frustrated — at my friends and also with myself for going along with something that clearly wasn’t for me. That experience stuck with me because it showed me how saying yes to everyone else was actually making me lose touch with my own needs and boundaries. I could have used that time for something fulfilling, and it was a reminder that people-pleasing often leads to self-neglect.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
The roots of people-pleasing can run deep, especially when you grow up in a culture or family that values harmony, respect, and not “rocking the boat.” Many of us have been taught that it’s better to keep the peace than to speak up for ourselves, and this often starts in childhood. I experienced firsthand how people-pleasing can take root from watching these behaviors in my own family. Growing up, I often saw family members put their own needs aside to keep the peace, especially if it meant avoiding any conflict. Approval was usually granted when personal comfort was sacrificed, reinforcing the idea that being a “good person” meant prioritizing others — even at a personal cost. This belief can be so ingrained that not pleasing others feels almost like failing a moral test, with the fear of being labeled “bad” or selfish if they put their own needs first. There’s also the fear of rejection or exclusion. People pleasers are often sensitive to social dynamics and feel anxious about being left out or disappointing others. Ultimately, it becomes more comfortable to go along with others than to assert their own wants and needs, so they develop this habit of keeping everyone else happy as a way to secure acceptance, connection, and that elusive “good person” validation.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
In personal relationships, people-pleasing can quietly lead to feelings of resentment or even burnout. When you’re the one who always says yes, people may start to expect it, taking your time and energy for granted. You might feel like your needs or preferences don’t matter, especially if you’re always putting others’ happiness before your own. I’ve seen this dynamic in my own life and in the lives of my clients — relationships that start to feel one-sided, leaving you drained instead of fulfilled. Over time, this imbalance can make relationships feel frustrating rather than enjoyable, as you feel less valued and understood.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
At work, people-pleasing can lead to some serious issues with boundaries. You might feel pressured to say yes to extra tasks or work late, even when it’s not in your job description or you don’t have the time. Colleagues or supervisors may begin to rely on you to take on more than your fair share, assuming that you won’t push back. Eventually, this can impact not only your mental well-being but also how others view your role and contributions. While working with my clients, I’ve seen how saying ‘yes’ too often can lead others to become less respectful of their time, creating a cycle where they become overcommitted and underappreciated.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
When you’re constantly putting others’ needs before your own, you end up losing sight of who you are and what matters to you. Resentment can build up as you give and give, but rarely feel fulfilled in return. I’ve worked with clients who start to feel that helping others is more of a burden than a joy, feeling trapped in a cycle of obligations. Over time, this can also erode self-esteem, leading to a sense of low self-worth. If left unchecked, it can even develop into avoidant behaviors or depression, as you start to lose touch with your own needs and desires.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is absolutely foundational to overcoming people-pleasing. It starts with recognizing why you’re saying yes — is it because you genuinely want to help, or because you’re afraid of disappointing others? Self-awareness helps you get in touch with that underlying drive. I often suggest reflective practices, like journaling or meditation, which encourage you to check in with your feelings before committing to something. For example, if you’re experiencing anxiety about an invitation, pause and ask yourself why. Is it rooted in a fear of judgment, or maybe a sense of obligation? Once you’re aware of these motivations, it becomes easier to adjust your behavior. Practicing this consistently helps you recognize when a “yes” aligns with your values and when it’s simply people-pleasing in disguise. This level of self-awareness allows you to start saying no in a way that feels empowering rather than guilt-ridden.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Practice saying “no” in small steps. Learning to say “no” doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. Start by exploring different ways to say “no” that feel comfortable to you — whether it’s a direct “no, thank you,” or a gentle “I can’t commit to that right now.” Begin by practicing in low-stakes situations, like declining a minor request or taking time for yourself before agreeing to a favor. These small steps build confidence, making it easier over time to honor your needs and set boundaries, even in more challenging situations.
2 . Challenge your fears. The fear of upsetting others or facing rejection is often much bigger in our minds than in reality. Start by paying attention to how people actually respond when you set small boundaries or express your true feelings. I worked with a client who was nervous about saying no to a friend’s request to dog-sit, fearing their friend would feel let down or view them as unreliable. Together, we practiced ways to express their needs clearly and kindly. When my client finally told their friend they had other commitments, the friend completely understood and quickly found someone else. This experience showed them that those who truly care are often more understanding than expected.
3 . Reframe your thinking. It’s important to remember that prioritizing your own well-being isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. This helps you show up fully when you do choose to help others. I once worked with a client who struggled with guilt every time they said “no.” We reframed this by looking at it as a way to conserve their energy, so they could be more present and engaged in their relationships. When they saw that self-care actually allowed them to support others more genuinely, it became easier to release the guilt. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, including respect for your own needs.
4 . Consider therapy to understand the root of your people-pleasing behavior. People-pleasing often stems from deeper emotional wounds, like feeling unworthy of love or fearing rejection. Therapy, especially approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) — which helps people understand and connect with different parts of themselves — can be transformative in uncovering the motivations behind these behaviors. For example, I once worked with a client who felt an overwhelming urge to please everyone at work, even at the expense of their own well-being. In therapy, we identified a part of them that feared failure, linking self-worth to others’ approval. By acknowledging this protective part with compassion, they began to release its hold, recognizing they didn’t have to earn acceptance by overextending themselves.
5 . Surround yourself with people who respect boundaries and support your self-advocacy. I’ve made a conscious effort to distance myself from people who aren’t respectful of my boundaries. Over time, I’ve learned that true friendships and connections don’t require me to overextend myself or compromise my values to keep others happy. Being surrounded by supportive people has strengthened my confidence in setting boundaries, reminding me that those who genuinely care for us will value and respect our needs.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Establishing healthier boundaries really starts with understanding why you’re saying yes so often. For many people pleasers, it’s tied to deeper fears — like worrying about rejection or wanting validation. Once you’ve gained some clarity, it’s all about practicing small acts of self-advocacy. Instead of jumping right into big boundary-setting moments, try saying ‘no’ in low-stakes situations to build confidence and notice how others actually respond when you set a boundary; often, people are more understanding than we expect, which helps challenge that initial fear of disappointing others. Always remind yourself that saying ‘no’ isn’t selfish; it’s essential for your well-being. I also highly recommend that people consider therapy if they are struggling to do this on their own. Therapy can really help individuals dig into these underlying motivations and make it easier to start shifting them.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Firstly, it’s important to know that being empathetic and compassionate are not quite the same thing. When we talk about empathy, we mean feeling what others feel — kind of like stepping into their shoes. Research by Dr. Brené Brown explains that empathy is about connecting with someone else’s emotions. On the other hand, compassion is a bit different. It’s not just about understanding how someone feels; it’s also about wanting to help them through it.
One of the key differences is that while empathy can sometimes leave us feeling overwhelmed, compassion helps us take action. When we focus on compassion, we create an emotional space for ourselves and others. This lets us respond thoughtfully instead of just reacting. So, you can still be caring and kind while also being assertive about your own needs. Assertiveness means standing up for yourself while respecting others, so you can express your feelings and boundaries without guilt.
For example, if a friend is having a tough time, feeling empathetic might make you absorb their sadness, leaving you feeling drained. But if you practice compassion, you can recognize their feelings and still support them without losing sight of what you need. This balance is really important for those of us who naturally want to be kind but also want to set healthy boundaries.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
People pleasers often carry a negative connotation, suggesting they are weak or lacking self-respect. However, if we look at this behavior through the lens of cultural and legacy burdens, we can gain a better understanding of its roots. Many people pleasers come from backgrounds where harmony, respect, and avoiding conflict were highly valued, which can lead them to prioritize others’ needs over their own. Recognizing these influences allows people to understand that their people-pleasing behaviors are often protective mechanisms, rooted in a desire for acceptance and love. This awareness can empower them to take meaningful action and work towards change, helping them to reclaim their voice and create healthier relationships in their lives.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy plays an important role in helping people explore the root causes of their people-pleasing behavior. Many of us are unaware of how we became people pleasers in the first place, as this behavior often develops over years and is influenced by family dynamics and societal expectations. Through therapy, individuals can gain awareness of these patterns, understand their origins, and learn how they affect their lives. Furthermore, people often struggle with deeply ingrained beliefs that can hinder their ability to change these behaviors. Therapy provides a safe space to unpack these beliefs and replace them with healthier perspectives. It also allows individuals to learn and practice new skills, such as setting boundaries and asserting their needs, while receiving support from a trained professional without the fear of being judged. Role-playing in therapy sessions can be especially helpful in boosting their confidence to apply these changes in real-life situations
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would start a movement encouraging people to stop worrying about what others think. Society often pressures us to conform to external expectations, which can stifle our authenticity and prevent us from pursuing our true passions. If we could all stay true to ourselves and our beliefs — without letting the fear of being disliked hold us back — we would create a world where people feel free to express themselves and live authentically. This movement would inspire everyone to embrace their unique identities, cultivate self-acceptance, and connect with others who share similar values. Ultimately, by fostering an environment where authenticity is celebrated rather than judged, we could empower countless individuals to become whoever they truly want to be.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Sign up for my free 5-step guide — From Chaos to Calm: Manage Your Emotions Like An Expert https://subscribepage.io/manage-emotions-like-an-expert
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/helixmhc/
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Hui Ting Kok of Helix Mental Health Counseling Practice On How to Recover From Being a People… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.