… because of social media and how much we’re being bombarded, we’re essentially being brainwashed to not think for ourselves, whether it’s intentional or not. And even if you’re a super mindful person and you meditate, you still have to really put in effort. For people who aren’t even aware of that, of course they’re going to feel like they have no control over themselves or their emotions or thoughts, because this thing is thinking for us if we let it. It’s great. And it’s so powerful. But just like anything that has a lot of control like that, it can control you. So I am constantly, daily, trying to be mindful of how I can not let that control my life…
I had the pleasure of talking with Rachel Ana Dobken. In the constantly evolving world of indie and psych-rock, Rachel Ana Dobken emerges as a multifaceted talent whose musical journey reflects not just an inherent passion for creation but an unyielding commitment to authenticity and emotional depth. With proficiency across drums, guitar, vocals, and keys, Dobken has become a notable figure in the vibrant Asbury Park music scene, an area with a rich history of nurturing groundbreaking artists.
Born and raised in the coastal town of Fair Haven, New Jersey, Rachel Ana Dobken’s early life was steeped in a diverse musical backdrop provided by her family’s eclectic taste. From the storytelling of Paul Simon to the intricate jazz influences of Steely Dan, and the raw energy of Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin, Dobken’s upbringing was a fertile ground for nurturing her budding talents. An epiphanic moment came at the age of five when she encountered the performances of iconic bands on a tape of the Ed Sullivan Show, igniting a lifelong aspiration to pursue music.
Dobken’s musical education is as extensive as her influences, with a foundation in jazz from Bard College shaping her approach to songwriting and performance. This jazz background, although not directly manifest in her creations, informs her understanding and manipulation of musical structures, allowing her to craft songs that are complex, yet accessible.
Her latest album, “Acceptance,” released on March 8, 2024, epitomizes Dobken’s journey of self-discovery and introspection. Co-produced alongside Erik Romero and Paul Ritchie, the album features collaborations with esteemed musicians such as Rogers Stevens of Blind Melon and Clint Maedgen of Preservation Hall Jazz Band. Drawing inspiration from a spectrum of musical legends — Angel Olsen, Jeff Buckley, and Pink Floyd, to name a few — “Acceptance” ventures through the realms of indie rock, psych, and soul, charting a path of personal and musical exploration.
Dobken’s work has not gone unnoticed. Her talents have led her to share stages with luminaries like Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready and The Gaslight Anthem’s Brian Fallon, further solidifying her place within the music community. Beyond her live performances, her songs have garnered acclaim for their emotional resonance, intricate lyricism, and Dobken’s masterful integration of various instruments. Publications such as New Noise, Relix, and American Songwriter have praised her for everything from her “infectious” melodies to her “smoky, shimmering” vocals.
In 2024, Dobken’s inclusion in Asbury Park’s Sea Hear Now festival lineup alongside legends like Bruce Springsteen and Norah Jones marks a significant milestone in her career, acknowledging her tireless work and unique voice in a crowded musical landscape. This opportunity reflects not just the culmination of endless hours of dedication but also a recognition of her talent and potential by both peers and the wider musical community.
Rachel Ana Dobken’s story is one of continuous growth, driven by an unrelenting passion for music and an unwavering commitment to authenticity. As she looks to the future, with performances and projects that promise to further her exploration of musical boundaries, Dobken remains a compelling figure in indie music, inviting listeners into her world of introspective lyrics, captivating melodies, and multi-instrumental mastery.
You can enjoy and follow Dobken’s music on all streaming platforms (Spotify here), and follow her on all socials. She uses Instagram the most @rachelanadobken.
Yitzi: Rachel, it’s a delight and an honor to meet you. Our readers would love to learn about your personal origin. Can you share the story of your childhood and how you grew up?
Sure. I grew up in coastal New Jersey on the East Coast of the United States. Yeah, I grew up in a small town called Fair Haven, which is about 30 minutes north of Asbury Park. So I tell people when they ask me where I’m from, my hometown is technically Fair Haven, but I say Asbury Park because that’s obviously what people know.
I pretty much always knew ever since I was a child, some of my earliest memories are memories of loving music. I just knew that I was going to be a musician. It was never a doubt in my mind. There’s a moment in time when I was about five years old that my mom gave me a best of the Ed Sullivan show tape and it was the VHS of the Beatles, the Beach Boys, the Rolling Stones and the Four Seasons. I remember sitting and watching this video till it literally stopped working until the tape was broken. I remember the first time seeing it saying, “Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do with my life.” Like no hesitation. From that moment on it, pretty much has just been figuring that out.
Well, I mean, that’s pretty much it, you know, I grew up, my dad was a doctor, but also an amazing musician and very musical. My mom was in the music industry, but in the fashion business in the 70s and 80s. So my parents had really impeccable taste in music that they were always playing. My dad raised me on Paul Simon and Steely Dan and the band. My mom was, you know, more in the Rolling Stones, the Bowie side of things, but in Zeppelin. For me, I kind of had that as my baseline. As I got older and I explored bands myself, I always had those roots, but then found all this other music in the world and was like, “Oh, my God,” and, you know, rock. I grew up in the 90s and 2000s. So obviously, Alt Rock Incubus is one of my favorite bands. I discovered them when I was 14. They will forever be a very influential band in my life.
Yitzi: You probably have so many fascinating stories from becoming a music star and all your different productions and tours. Can you share with our readers one or two of your favorite stories about your career?
My God, that’s a loaded question. I think probably meeting Danny Clinch has been a really pivotal part of my career, meeting and knowing Danny. Danny is a famous music photographer who has a gallery in Asbury Park. He had seen me play in 2015. I was playing in a Last Waltz tribute show playing drums and singing. We connected after the show. It was very much in passing. I think I even sent him an email like, “Because I had met him previously, but not as a musician.” I’m also a graphic designer. That’s how we first met. But he didn’t really remember who I was until he saw me play.
Then he ended up inviting me to sit in with his blues band, the Tangiers Blues Band, the next week at a show in Jersey City. That turned into me then working at the Transparent Clinch Gallery eventually, which is now a staple in the community, which was only supposed to be open for six months. Now it’s been about, I think, six years.
So I think and all of the bands I’ve met through Danny, a really memorable moment in my life was sitting in with Blind Melon. Danny obviously photographed them and they came to the gallery to play one day. I showed up early to help with sound because I used to run the production there. Rogers had asked me to sit in. Danny, I was showing one of the songs because he plays harmonica and I would play guitar, drums and sing with him. I was showing the guys in Blind Melon, Rogers Stevens in particular, and Rogers was like, “You should just come play with us.” So that turned into playing. Then in soundcheck, Danny was like, “Rachel, sing a verse.” Yeah. So those two stick out. I mean, there’s other moments. But for some reason right now, those two really stick out to me.
Yitzi: It’s been said that sometimes our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Do you have a story about a humorous mistake you made when you were first starting and the lesson you learned from it?
I mean, there are so many mistakes, right? Like, I feel like life is a constant learning experience and it feels like every day I’m doing things that lead to me then having to change course or tweak things I’m doing here or there. It’s funny because I have a song about this. There’s a song on the new record called “Bed You Made,” which is about having to live with the consequences of your own actions. Essentially, the saying goes “You’ve made your bed, now it’s time to lie in it.”
So I feel like being an independent artist and being DIY and doing things and starting off on your own, you have to just — it’s all trial and error. It’s always trial and error. But for some reason in particular, everything from figuring out how to talk to a talent buyer at a venue, how to get a show, how to deal with the business side of things, understanding, I don’t know, there’s not one in particular because I just think it’s a constant. I’ve gotten to where I’ve gotten to because of all the trials and errors and trials and tribulations that I have had.
A big one is understanding how to pitch yourself to venues to play when you’re starting out so that you can get outside of your market, even in your hometown market, understanding how to talk to press and, you know, knowing that there’s a tact and a language for pretty much every facet of the industry. I think this can be probably said in many industries, but there’s an etiquette.
So it’s just like, gosh, I constantly feel like I’m making mistakes. I was just having a conversation this morning about finding musicians because I’m constantly rotating, not for a lack of trying, but bandmates and things and people move on and just figuring out, OK, what’s the approach of how I can… Gosh, what’s the word I’m looking for? No, I was just talking to someone this morning. They were saying, you can’t think about all the mistakes that you’ve made. You have to look at the progress of where you’ve gotten to and understand that every moment is a teachable moment. That is something my dad always told me as well.
Yitzi: Amazing. So you have so much impressive work, Rachel. Can you share with the readers exciting projects you’re working on now, new albums, new EPs, singles, and concerts?
Sure. I actually just dropped a record on March 8th, which has been a big feat, this long time coming. It’s called “Acceptance.” The record is pretty much about that. I think all of life comes down to gratitude and acceptance. It’s something that we have to constantly remind ourselves in every single area of life, whether it’s ourselves and loving ourselves and our relationship with ourselves or it’s our understanding of other people and how they relate to us and how we can take certain things personally or expect certain things or circumstances, because even then, when you realize that you really have very little control over anything around you except for how we respond to things.
So that is a project out now. It’s my second full length. I guess it’s technically my third album. It’s like my fourth release. I play drums, guitar, and piano. I sing, I co-produce the whole thing. I had a couple of my bandmates play on it. My bassist, Dan Haase, played bass. My old guitar player, Erik Rudic, played guitar. I also played a lot of the lead. I played all the rhythm. My keys player, Mark Masefield, played keys. It was produced by Paul Ritchie from the Parlor Mob and Erik Romero from the Front Bottoms in tandem with me. Yeah, you can go and stream it.
But it’s kind of like this psychedelic experience. The record, the sound, it’s sonically more in the psychedelic heavy rock world with a little bit of soul and jazz. I studied jazz, so that’s I guess that’s part of my background that I didn’t touch on. I went to Bard College and, although I don’t write jazz, it’s how I think about music and all popular music started with jazz anyway. So that’s really it.
I mean, again, it’s not something like I don’t sit and analyze my songs and say, “Oh, this is like the flat five or the sharp 11.” Sometimes I do that when I have to understand where my melody is sitting in terms of chords, but for soloing or those things and be like, “What, where is this going? Why? What’s working out this or what’s not?” I’ll sit at the piano and be like, “OK, well, that’s the relative minor.” But I don’t think about that when I’m writing songs. When I’m writing songs, I’m just letting whatever is supposed to come out of me, come out of me.
Yitzi: That’s amazing. Yeah. If you could take all of your songs and put it into one big bucket, all the lyrics in one big bucket, what would the overarching message be?
I think it would be about acceptance. It’s funny because this is just a word that constantly comes back to me. I had a working title. There’s a song on my last record called “Understand,” and I was looking at old charts and I saw that I had a working title called “Accepting.” So I really think that that’s just an overarching theme of my life.
For me, I write songs because it’s my way of dealing and coping with my external reality. So acceptance is a word I have to kind of tell myself on a daily basis to self-soothe. And that is, I guess, why it’s come out in all my music, because I’m continuing to have to tell myself this.
I tell myself this and then in hopes of giving that to all of you guys in the world out there, hoping that people can find comfort and relatability in what I have to say, because it’s helped me. So I hope that it helps the world. That’s my hope in all of this.
Yitzi: How do you summarize the message of rock and roll in a sentence? And why is that message more relevant than it’s been in a while?
Well, I think authenticity comes to mind. That is the first word that came to my mind. I think that’s all good art in general. But I do think there’s something to me — rock and roll is so authentic and real and raw. And I’m saying this as an artist who intentionally makes rock music. Right. So that is my intention. And that is why it resonates with me.
I think rock is really real. And this is a conversation I could speak a lot about because it does make me very upset that it feels like in our day and age now, it’s becoming a little bit of a dying art. Sometimes I tell people, “I’m an indie rock artist. I’m like an oil painter.” It’s like the equivalent of an oil painter. You know, it’s not mainstream.
Honestly, all my favorite music is probably 60s and 70s rock — everything from Sabbath to Thin Lizzy to Pink Floyd. They’re actually one of my favorite bands. That’s the music that I really love. And that was a time when rock was pop music, you know, or not even because the Beatles was pop. This is also an argument I have — someone was saying the Beatles were a rock band. I’m like, “No, they were a pop band.” I mean, they were rock sort of now in today’s day and age, they’re rock. But in the 60s, they were very much a pop band anyway. We don’t have to get into that.
But I think, yeah, I think real, true rock music to me means authenticity. It means raw. It means real. It means coming from your soul. I just think it’s something that can’t be spoken, but can only really be experienced, you know? That’s such a great question. I’ve never thought about that, but it’s so much about a feeling. And that’s the whole thing, right? When you’re playing with your bandmates, when you’re on stage, when you’re writing, when you’re in the studio, it’s all about capturing that feeling. The title track off my record, I feel like did a very good job at that. That’s the song I’m the most proud of off of this record.
Yitzi: So this is our signature question. Okay, so you’ve been blessed with so much success now. Looking back to when you first started, do you have five things you wish you knew or somebody told you when you first started your music career?
It’s so funny. See, today is one of those days where I was just earlier thinking, “Oh, I’m failing and I’m not doing…and I could be doing this better and I could be doing that better. And how am I going to figure this out and how am I going to figure that out?” And hearing you say, “Oh, you’re so successful.” It’s amazing because you have to sometimes bring it back down to reality. Remember, what does success mean? And sometimes it really is just a matter of reminding yourself where you came from and where you are now, because it’s not about anybody else. But that’s the unfortunate reality of social media — it makes us feel this competition and sense of like, “You’re not doing it like this. You’re doing it wrong.” But that’s not true. Every way is right. It’s just what works for you.
- I would say a couple of things. Okay, so I would say, first of all, you have to have a tough, thick skin as difficult as it is. And this is something I struggle with on a daily basis. You can’t take things personally. I know people told me that and have told me that. And that’s a journey that I’m going to be on for the rest of my life. But it’s really true. You have to have thick skin and you can’t. When you hit roadblocks, you just need to keep going. You can’t take it personally. You have to understand that everybody is going to hit roadblocks. And it’s about persevering through that.
- I think making sure that you can strike a good work-life balance. Again, these are things I’m giving myself advice on right now because especially as you get more successful and your days get shorter because you’re busier, it’s really important that you make that time to go to the gym. Like today, I made time to make sure I went and went for a run. The last couple of days I couldn’t because I’ve been in a work hole. But it’s really important that you go and see a friend. It’s really important that you go and see your family. And this is, again, coming from someone who’s a workaholic and will always put work first.
- And this is, again, something that I have to constantly tell myself and learn. Understand that this is a slow burn. Success doesn’t happen overnight. It just doesn’t. And if it does, you’re going to crash and burn. It’s not going to last for you. So leaning into and embracing the fact that it really is a marathon, not a sprint, because there’s definitely times in my life when I was younger and also now where I’m like, “Oh, my God, this thing needs to happen. And now I need to get the show now. And if I don’t, it means I’m failing.” And it’s like, no, actually, it just means that this is a process. You’re not going to make all your fans overnight. And if you do, again, are those really authentic fans that are going to stick with you and buy your merch and come see your shows and buy tickets and support you and buy your records? It’s interesting because I had to learn this process by putting out my record because we did about five singles in total. And the whole game now really is this game of the slow drip process because you really have to play to the Spotify algorithm, which is what they want. They want a song every 20 days. I have so much to say on all of this. But I realized halfway through because I was feeling this sense of, “Oh, my God, I’m not going to get it all done and it’s never going to get done.” And I’m even, again, having one of those days. And I have to remind myself, if it doesn’t get done in the next day or two or week, it will get done. And it’s all cumulative, so you don’t put out a video until three months later. You’ll get new fans, then you’ll have different fans on that will never have seen that before. Now they’re going to see it. So understanding that all of these things, it really is a process and embracing that.
- Understand that the industry is very much a game and it is always changing, especially because of technology. What the music industry was four years ago, even three years ago, is completely different than it is now. And I think I’m sure it’s like this in other industries. I’m certain the world is changing so rapidly now with the way technology is advancing that we can’t really keep up. So, again, a thing to remind yourself — I put out a record five years ago. That was my last record that came out. And it was a completely different process. And I tried to approach this record release like that. And that’s where a lot of my stress came from because I couldn’t keep up. But that’s when I had to remind myself, “Wait a minute. So I don’t post some videos for a week on TikTok. It’s fine. I can do it next week. And people will come.”
- Make sure you’re present and in the real world. And this is, I think, something I wouldn’t have been able to tell myself when I started 10 years ago, because technology wasn’t what it was. I didn’t even have Instagram or Facebook. I don’t even think I had a music Facebook page. But now, technology has taken over in such a way that it’s great because it’s allowing me to make fans and meet people and connect in different ways. But it’s so consuming. And the biggest struggle I’ve had the last couple of months is being way too consumed by having to get stuff done for social media and not being out in the real world, not gigging, not practicing, not seeing my friends. So I think, really going back to the work-life balance, but making sure that you stay grounded in reality.
- Okay, I’m going to add one more because I think this is for everyone now. And I’m realizing this ties into what I just said about making sure that you’re finding time to really push away the noise and really know who you are and what you think and how you feel. Because now more than ever, and I really think everyone’s struggling with this — it doesn’t even just apply to music — but because of social media and how much we’re being bombarded, we’re essentially being brainwashed to not think for ourselves, whether it’s intentional or not. And even if you’re a super mindful person and you meditate, you still have to really put in effort. For people who aren’t even aware of that, of course they’re going to feel like they have no control over themselves or their emotions or thoughts, because this thing is thinking for us if we let it. It’s great. And it’s so powerful. But just like anything that has a lot of control like that, it can control you. So I am constantly, daily, trying to be mindful of how I can not let that control my life.
Yeah, just to add to that, I recently bought this flip phone, I upgraded from a smartphone to a “wise phone”.
That must be difficult though, with your job.
That was exactly my hesitation. But the truth is I can get every single app on my phone, on my tablet or computer. I don’t need to have it with me every single second.
And it’s really hard to set boundaries. I mean, I’m struggling with that. Even when I’m sitting on my computer, I’m getting hit up. And I’m like, “No, 4 o’clock interview.” You know, it’s like everything. And then you’re getting emails and texts in the middle of the night. And it’s just hard.
It’s hard. And if you’re someone that’s really sensitive to that, like I’m a very sensitive person and I’m very sensitive to the noise around me, I really have to work ten times harder to carve out the time to just be able to know how I feel about something, know how I can be there and be present for the people in my life, know how I feel.
So many people right now don’t even know how they feel about anything. And they’re just shouting into the void of all these opinions on so many things — how to live their life, how other people should live their lives. The wars going on, this, that. And it’s just so much. And it’s all very triggering stuff.
Can you share with our readers any of the self-care routines that you do to help your body, mind and heart to thrive?
Oh, that’s such a great question. And I need this because I haven’t been doing this enough. Well, the first one is I’m a runner. I’ve always been a runner. And that’s like, you know, even before technology was a thing, my dad was a runner, he was an ultra-marathon runner. I definitely got his genes in that regard.
Running is first and foremost the thing that helps me clear my mind and helps me feel centered. And I like the feeling of being healthy. I am not a drinker. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I’ve smoked some weed in my life, but as I’ve gotten older and my career has gotten more crazy, I just find that when I do substances, it only hinders me from what I need to do. And it really messes with my head. I’m just a very cerebral person that’s in my own head a lot. And I’ve actually been told by certain psychologists and neurologists and neuroscientists that I should not do psychedelics because my brain probably can’t handle it — I’m one of those kinds of people that could probably end up in a bad place by doing so.
I’ve made a conscious effort in my life to only put good foods in my body, drink a lot of water. I really don’t drink alcohol. I did in my 20s, but I’m pretty much sober now.
Meditation is the one thing — meditation and yoga. But I’d say meditation because I still like to be active with running. Meditation is the one thing that I should make more time for because when I do, it’s always like, “Oh my God, I need to do this more.” Because of everything I’m telling you, I will go for days, weeks. Right now, it feels like months without having mental clarity and continuing to wake up feeling like I’m in a fog or depressed and being like, “Why do I feel so terrible? Why am I so stressed?” And I realize I’m allowing the noise to just completely infiltrate. And the second I take some silence and I’m just like, “Wait a minute, what’s important here?” I’m like, “Okay.”
I think having a social life and seeing people is really important. I hate to admit I am pretty much a recluse because I’m a workaholic and I’ve kind of always been that way. And that’s a difficult thing. But I think it’s again a reminder that I also happen to love working hard. I just love that feeling. I’ve always been that way. I was a workaholic in school. I loved being a straight-A student because I actually just love throwing myself into whatever I do. And I’m passionate. So I do love throwing myself into my music. It’s where I feel most centered, which so in a way, that is also a form of self-care, making sure I practice and touch my instrument. But because it’s my business now, it’s a little bit different. But trying to remain in that place where I love it and don’t resent it or don’t get too far away from that feeling.
Yitzi: This is our final aspirational question. Okay, so Rachel, because of your amazing work and the platform you have, you are a person of enormous influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?
So I think it would be to know yourself and love yourself and understand yourself, because that kind of goes back to thematically what my record is about, right? It’s about acceptance. And I think it’s self-acceptance. The song “Acceptance” is about self-love. It’s about the most important relationship we have, which is our relationship with ourself, which we can’t ever escape.
So much of the problem of the world is that we’re not being really taught to think for ourselves. I mean, there’s a little bit of that in the new-ageness that’s come out and the mindfulness. And I think it’s really the hardest thing in the world. But the reality is, the only relationship we can really control is our relationship with ourself. We can’t control other people. And in knowing oneself, then you can understand and relate to the world in a way that ultimately makes you realize, like, we’re all connected and we’re all one. And as uniquely and different as we are, we are also one in the same. And it’s this very esoteric thing in my mind. But it’s this idea that, essentially, when you realize yourself, I guess it’s like true enlightenment in a certain way. I know that sounds crazy. But I think the true way to happiness and enlightenment and understanding and all the problems in our world is if people just look within and they find peace within themselves. There’s a lot more than that. But it’s knowing and loving oneself and accepting oneself for who they are.
You also realize, “Oh wow, I’m not really being open or mindful of other people or I’m not being open or mindful of how other people are.” We live in this world where everybody lives so conditionally that dictates, “Oh, if only my partner was this way, then I would love them or our relationship would work.” And that’s fine to recognize that. But you also have to recognize, “Well, that’s just not the kind of person they are. So I either say to myself, ‘I’m going to love them and accept them for who they are and be here because that doesn’t matter to me. That’s shallow.’ Or, ‘This is not the right situation for me. I’m going to move away from this and I’m going to let them find a partner or the people in their life that…’” Again, this is so long-winded. But I think just…
I want people to be able to live and love for themselves. And I don’t mean that in a selfish way. I mean it in the way that is the most humbling to then, when you reach that level of understanding, you realize we’re just one part of the whole, right? We actually have no idea how we got here. It wasn’t our choice to be here. We have no idea when we’re going to leave. So why are we acting like we’re God and we know these things and we don’t? We need to humble and check ourselves and our egos and realize, “No, we’re all just existing on this planet, just like every other creature, just like every other plant, just like every other animal.” So why not embrace that and be grateful for that beauty?
I could say a lot more on the subject, but I won’t. I just think so much of the problems in our world right now is because people have lost touch with that. And I know there’s this whole faith thing, and I think there is something to be said about faith and religion that’s just not a thing in the Western culture anymore. And not that I’m an expert. I grew up in a house where my father was Jewish, my mother is Italian. I wasn’t raised either way. It was kind of just like we celebrated certain Jewish holidays. We didn’t celebrate Easter. We celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah. But I grew up in a very religiously liberal home. My parents were like, “Believe that there’s a higher power and believe that you’re loved and have faith and you’ll be okay.” And I’ve struggled with that sometimes because I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve looked for comfort and faith and didn’t know where to find it. But it’s also nice because I’ve been able to sort of find my own way, spiritually speaking. But I think a lot of the world now, we’re just forgetting this.
And it’s really good to have faith in something and having faith in something doesn’t mean you have to have faith in a religion per se. But it’s just really faith and understanding that… I just think people have way more control than they think. And when they realize that we actually don’t have control and that we’re here for a short amount of time and we should be loving one another and what it really means to love, which is, in my opinion, accepting someone and something for who they are, holy. Then you can find happiness.
Again, this is very, very…there’s so much more. I’m sure someone could come at me and be like, “Yeah, well, what about all the hate in the world? What about the people whose truth is to…” I just think if you’re at your core, people who live from a place of hate or violence, they’re so troubled and they don’t know who they are and they’re not aware of the world outside. They’re being brainwashed or they’re being, you know…I mean, I say live your truth and that’s part of living in an authentic way, which to my mind is the same thing as living, knowing yourself and loving yourself. But yeah, I don’t know.
It’s I think at the end of the day, there’s very little we can control. We cannot escape our most important relationship, which is our relationship with ourself. And if you’re really, really, really honest and living from a place of love, not from a place of fear, that’s a whole other part of what I’m speaking about — then you can find true happiness. It’s not about finding it in technology. This is true forever for all of humanity. This is the same principle that could have applied three thousand years ago. This doesn’t have to do with technology, doesn’t have to do with material things. It has to do with… It is very much so like a Buddhist mentality.
But so I guess for me, I would hope that people can find ways that they can really find and love themselves and live from a place of love, which to me is living from a place of radical acceptance and not from a place of fear. Like if you’re making a simple decision and you’re saying, “Am I making this decision because I’m afraid? I’m afraid I’m going to lose this person or I’m afraid of what they’re going to think about me or I’m afraid of whatever.” Or, “Am I making this decision because in my gut, it’s right. And it makes me uncomfortable, but it’s the right thing.” And I think too many people are making decisions just blindly because they’re like, “Oh, I’m afraid I will lose this or this relationship or my kid’s going to hate me or I’m going to lose all my money” when it’s like, well, maybe that’s not the right choice, but you just think it is. But when you take that time to really strip away the noise and really know yourself, then you can know, “Oh okay, this is the right decision or this is the wrong decision.”
Yitzi: Actually, I think about this topic a lot. How do you articulate this part of what you just said? Why is the foundation of being able to love somebody else or have a loving relationship based on being able to love yourself? Why could you have a difficult time in relationships if you don’t love yourself?
That’s a really good question, because I don’t always love myself, even though I say that I think it’s important. I think loving yourself can also be really about being honest with yourself, being like, “Hey, this thing that you do…” Like I had this conversation with myself all the time. Like two or three days ago, I was really struggling mentally with something and I was beating myself up about it and being like, “God, why can’t you just not be upset about this? This is not helping you.” But then when you have that kind of dialogue, I’m also like, “Well Rachel, this is who you are. Just accept and embrace it.” And just the second you can kind of acknowledge and say, “Okay, I’m just that way. That’s okay. It’s not good or bad. It just is.”
And I think when you can sort of apply that to yourself, it’s much easier to love somebody else for two reasons — one, because you know yourself really well and you know that if you’re in a relationship with someone and you’re like, “Hey, this feels really wrong. I’m not okay with this. This is a deal breaker for me.” You can walk away and say, “You know what? I accept that person for who they are and it’s just not for me.” But at the same time, instead of maybe criticizing them or judging them, you can say, “This is the kind of person this is. But that’s okay. We’re not perfect.”
I think the best example of this is applying this to our relationship with our parents and our siblings. Right? Because as you get older, you realize these things about your parents, like, “Wow, I love you, dad. You’re really great in this way, but you’re also really shitty and hurtful in this way.” But that doesn’t make him a bad person. He’s human. I can still love my dad, but I don’t have to forgive him for certain ways that he treated me. It’s just being real and authentic and acknowledging reality, because you can also say something’s really bad and say there’s a lack of authenticity to say, “Hey, this is okay” or “Hey, this kind of behavior…” If you’re like, “Hey, you know what? This kind of behavior is really messed up, but I can’t change that. That’s on them. Alright, I’m just going to put that over here. I don’t need to deal with that. I don’t need to carry that.”
I don’t know. That’s a really good question. Do you have an opinion on that? I know this is getting into a conversation now, but I’m really curious.
Yitzi: So one smart way I’ve heard it framed is, if you can’t even love yourself, how the hell can you love somebody else?
Yeah, I’ve heard that too. It’s actually a line in one of my songs. The last song on the record, “Tomorrow’s Another Day,” is somewhat about suicide. More broadly, it’s about feeling incredibly low and not wanting to continue, yet knowing you have to wake up the next day and start all over. It’s about the opportunity to begin afresh that each new day brings. Sometimes, just acknowledging that can make a difference. For instance, one of the lines goes, “Trying hard to discover how to love another when you don’t know how to love you.” It’s about accepting where you’re at because ideally, we’d all love ourselves fully all the time, but how realistic is that? Acceptance involves recognizing that some days are going to be tough, and you might not feel great about yourself. But it’s about not letting those feelings take over and knowing when to seek help. It’s something I struggle with too. Taking things personally can lead to a cycle of negative feelings, but it’s important not to be too hard on yourself. This is a lifelong journey, and having open conversations about it without putting pressure on ourselves is key. Just like you might be having these thoughts, so might your partner or a potential new partner. You shouldn’t feel scared that you won’t find love because you’re figuring things out. Hopefully, you and your partner will navigate this together.
Creating music and art for me is all about exploring the human condition. It’s like life itself and serves as a way for me to cope with external realities. It’s like my journal, a constructive way to escape from reality. The journey has been long. I’ve been lucky to have had therapy since I was eight, though I know I should probably be seeing someone now. It’s a journey, and part of it is taking the time to find yourself. I’ve seen many friends in broken relationships where I feel they just need some time to themselves. It might be hard, but they need to figure out how they feel, which isn’t easy in today’s world. I’m baffled by how we’ve reached this point as a society where people are so out of touch with their feelings. Everyone needs to take a pause and figure things out because no one else can do it for them.
Yitzi: How can our readers continue to follow your work online? How can they purchase your music, see your concerts or tours, and support you in any way possible?
Sure, and I should mention that the record is out. Where are you guys located? Oh, in Maryland? That’s awesome. We’re going to be playing in D.C. If you’d like to come to our show, it’s on April 7th at the Pie Shop. The best way to follow me is on social media. I use Instagram the most, under my full name, Rachel Anna Dapkin, which I’m sure you’ll include. Streaming the music, especially on Spotify, is crucial. It’s how independent artists and artists, in general, get discovered nowadays. Some labels or booking agents won’t even consider you unless you have 10,000 monthly listeners. Following on Spotify and streaming the music is the best support. Sadly, we don’t make much money from streaming, but it’s essential for exposure and is a gatekeeper in the music industry.
I’m also on Bandcamp. I have a record release show in Asbury Park, New Jersey, on April 5th. I post about all our shows on social media, including a string of shows from the 4th to the 7th, which includes New York City on Thursday the 4th, our record release show at the Wonder Bar in Asbury Park on Friday the 5th, Silk City in Philadelphia on Saturday the 6th, and the Pie Shop in Washington, D.C., on Sunday the 7th.
You can follow me on all streaming platforms and socials. I use Instagram the most @rachelanadobken, or check out rachelanadobken.com.
Yitzi: I want to wish you continued success and blessings. I’m confident you’re going to be a superstar. You already are.
That’s so kind. I hope what I have to say resonates with people. It feels like I’m doing something right since we’ve found each other.
Yitzi: Thank you, it’s my pleasure.
Music Stars Making a Social Impact: Why & How Rachel Ana Dobken Is Helping To Change Our World was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.