Sandy Sternbach of The Right Time Consultants On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love
Self-Knowledge — In order to find the right person for you, you need to really know who you are. This includes everything from your interests and hobbies, to your life goals and dreams, to deeper level thinking such as what communication style works best for you or what characteristics in a partner are triggers for you.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Sandy Sternbach
A native New Yorker with a well-developed East Coast-West Coast mentality, Sandy is considered one of the most experienced matchmakers working with educated, often advanced degree or Ivy, accomplished men and women.
Sandy earned her bachelor’s degree in psychology from New York University, and her master’s in art therapy from Immaculate Heart College in Los Angeles. She continued her professional studies in the graduate program at the Annenberg School of Communications at the University of Southern California on full scholarship. Sandy is a graduate of the Matchmaking Institute in New York, and she continues to grow and support her professional network by attending and participating in conferences, seminars and workshops across the country.
Finding a life partner and living with great joy and adventure is at the top of her client’s list of wishes and aspirations. The Right Time clients know that their introductions are carefully thought-out to align with their values, lifestyle and relationship goals.
When you work with Sandy and her very talented team, you are tapping into experience and the mentoring they have received and continue to receive from world class scholars and industry professionals.
The Right Time Consultants continues to build on its success: with a strong percent of new business originating from referrals from current and former satisfied clients. Sandy has been featured in publications such as the Boston Globe, Harvard Gazette, Harvard Alumni Magazine among others and has worked with and successfully matched Nobel Laureates, scientists, physicians, media executives and other accomplished individuals from industry and academia.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in New York City and spent my childhood exploring Manhattan. The city has played such a huge role in my life and really shaped who I am — It inspired my passion for adventure and really pushed me to be outgoing and appreciate social interaction. Even after we moved to the New Jersey suburbs, I thrived in a busy group and loved being around all kinds of people. I was really lucky to have a close-knit community right in my neighborhood. My friends were my introduction to healthy relationships and taught me so much about the importance of love, curiosity, and mutual respect.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I am the founder and CEO of The Right Time Consultants, a boutique concierge matchmaking firm. We work with men and women across the country, primarily between the ages of 40–80, to help them find their next life partner. I basically function as a dating coach, recruiter, project manager, and matchmaker in my day-to-day. I work directly with clients to create a compelling profile for them and use a thorough vetting process to find top-tier matches that are not only romantically compatible, but also fit into a similar lifestyle and have complementary future plans. I am with these clients every step of the way, helping coordinate dates and coaching on the most productive conversations, to keep them on track for success.
While matchmaking may not seem like the traditional career path for most people, it is the epitome of my passion and personality. I am someone who has a strong desire to be helpful to others, has an entrepreneurial spirit, and is innately social. I have a bachelors degree in psychology and art from New York University and ultimately went on to attend grad school at the University of Southern California. At USC, I studied at the Annenberg School of Communications and worked under Frederick William, the founding Dean of the school on a number of research projects focused on the impact of technology on our social interactions and day to day lives. After years of working in a number of jobs, I decided to take my favorite aspects of work (human engagement and understanding how people operate) and start my own matchmaking company. The Right Time Consultants has now been in business for over 20 years and I can honestly say I love what I do.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
- My entrepreneurial spirit and clear vision of goals — I have always known that my purpose in life is to help people. When I was at a turning point in my career, I realized that my studies in psychology and keen social awareness was the perfect combination to help people find love and weed out the mundane, and often frustrating dating process. There was no existing company that I was aware of that was actively taking the burden out of love and I was really interested in the idea of starting my own business, so it felt like the natural next step. Because I was eager to jump into entrepreneurship and knew exactly what my goal was, I have been able to help countless people find the love of their lives and it has been extremely rewarding.
- My empathetic nature and ability to connect with people — Matchmaking is a sensitive industry because it requires a real vulnerability between the client and the matchmaker. Sharing your personal story and romantic goals can be intimidating, so you have to be relatable and understanding to be successful. Particularly, when you’re working with a more mature population it also means that these clients are coming in with more life experience. Many of my clients have gone through divorce and some have even lost their spouse, so it is key to be tender and kind.
- Ability to learn and evolve — Every client is different and times change, so it is important to stay nimble and be open to feedback. I am constantly striving to be a better version of myself and to offer my clients whatever is most helpful to them on their personal journeys to achieve love and partnership. That could mean extra coaching, recommending an excellent self-help book, arranging a session with our personal Image consultant. Sometimes a client needs to freshen up their look or acquire some new dating go -to outfits. In this hectic world everyone needs all the support and encouragement they can receive. Over the past 20 years, the dating scene has changed drastically, so in order to continue to be successful, your only option is to adapt. In today’s world, people are living longer, healthier lives so the type of partner they’re looking for is different as are the means of finding them. Technology continues to evolve and have impact in the ever growing and demanding dating industry. The good news is that single, divorced and widowed individuals of all ages have many more options to utilize than 10, 20, or even five years ago. There are dating trends such as incorporating AI for helping to write profiles, and a variety of dating apps that use algorithms and strategies to be more effective.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
Yes, we just launched our new program “The Right Time Private Clients,” which will cater to men and women who are successful financially and professionally, but have limited time to navigate the dating world on their own. This new option is built specifically for high-profile and high-worth clients to maximize their time and cater to this specific demographic with matches that understand the busy lifestyle. This program offers 7 days a week support and can
Expand internationally as well as across the country
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
For approximately 27 years I have been dedicating my career to the dating/matchmaking industry with a fair focus on working with Ivy-educated or advanced degree clients. They come to us successful, goal oriented, looking for love and partnership. As a seasoned matchmaker, I have encountered so many different kinds of people with all types of goals and accompanying challenges, so when it comes to the search for a romantic partner, I really have seen it all. I think the most important thing a matchmaker can offer is openness to the uniqueness of each candidate. In 2024, I had a 94% success rate matching clients, and in over 50% of cases, I have matched clients in under 6 introductions. The longer I work in this industry the more I draw wonderful and emotionally available human beings. It is always fascinating and never boring!
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
I don’t think anyone is incapable of finding love — there is someone out there for every single person. What I have seen is that people often come into the process expecting an immediate ‘spark’ and the truth is that love and relationships take work. That’s not to say chemistry isn’t important, but the difference between chemistry and a spark is that a spark tends to be based in physical attraction whereas chemistry is built through conversation and emotional bonds. You should absolutely be attracted to your partner, but it’s okay if it’s not love at first sight. It is completely normal for attraction to grow over time.
When that spark is the make or break factor for people, they are easy to reject or walk away the minute someone doesn’t fit the mold. Even when someone “checks all the boxes” on personality, lifestyle, and values, this imaginary spark might still ruin something with a lot of potential. I encourage people to be open minded and look for connection and chemistry that includes physical, emotional, and intellectual.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
Opposites attract. The good girl/bad boy (or vice versa) trope is such a false representation of what a healthy relationship looks like. You do not have to date someone who is a carbon copy of you, but a steady relationship is created based on common ground and shared connection. At the core, you should have similar values and goals as whomever you date. Mutual characteristics like kindness, generosity, and a love for family and friends are things that bond people. Of course, each person should still have their own interests and hobbies, but the best matches have a significant overlap of values, education, financial profile and lifestyle values. As humans, we find safety and comfort in what’s familiar to us so finding out someone has gone through similar experiences or prioritizes the same commitments you do helps strengthen the connection.
You only get one true love. Though it is a romantic thought, if this were true it would be very sad for all of the people who lose their loved ones or go through divorce. In reality, we are constantly changing as we age and our wants and needs are, too. The partner you were in love with at 20 years old is likely different from the person you are in love with at 70 years old. The door to true love is always open and you are never too old to find the love of your life. I have worked with many widows and widowers who were married to their spouse for decades and thought this was the only person they would ever love, who have found beautiful new relationships later in life. It doesn’t take away from the love you have for your late spouse, but it is absolutely possible to find and embrace love again. Your relationships with different love interests are all going to be unique. The second chapter or third chapter depending on each one’s life experiences.
Romance ends at a certain age. Just because we get older, does not mean that we stop feeling attraction. No matter what age you are, you deserve to feel good about yourself and to feel a connection with your partner. There are so many ways to keep the romance alive well into your 70s, 80s and beyond. Planning date nights, dressing up, remembering details, are all things that show your partner you care and are putting intention into your relationship and that doesn’t fade over time.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
Don’t give up! Juggling dating on top of a professional career, family and friends, hobbies and activities is a lot so it is important to find the balance. Even when you are determined to find a partner, don’t overload yourself with dates and forget all of the things you love to do in your daily life. Remember loving yourself and being open to learning new things about yourself: your resilience, your wisdom, your blooming creativity and openness.
Another reason people often start to feel dating burnout is when they are consistently putting themselves out there and not feeling a connection with any of the people they are meeting. I call that “marathon dating”. Don’t let this dull your vulnerability or close you off. It’s about quality over quantity. It’s okay to be more selective about the people you’re dating. You shouldn’t feel like you have to settle just because it is taking longer than you had hoped.
On the other hand, you need to give people a chance. I had one lovely widow in her 70’s who timed candidates out. She would schedule a coffee for 20–30 minutes and that was how she handled her first dates. Both parties need time to unfold, so I suggest a proper location where the two parties can relax and feel comfortable. Once my client started working with us and using this more sensible and open approach she found someone rather easily and is very happy.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Social media is a great way to get a quick glimpse at the person you’re meeting before you go on a date, but it can also become a crutch. In today’s world, people will do a deep dive on someone’s social media profiles and jump to conclusions about what kind of person they are and what their beliefs or values are before they even meet in person. It creates a lot of doubt and can spur judgments, ultimately setting the date up for failure.
When I’m working with clients, I actually prefer that they don’t look at the person’s social media too extensively before a date. That way it allows them to go into it with an open mind and to see if there’s anything there organically with no preconceived notions.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Don’t share any personal information with someone you’ve met on a dating app — Though it feels more personal, everyone you meet on a dating app is still a stranger and you should be extra cautious of what you share with them. Do not give away your address, financial information, or anything that could be used to take advantage of you or that could be dangerous to your personal wellbeing.
Don’t settle — With dating apps, it can feel like there are a million options and can start to feel overwhelming. Don’t let the large pool of candidates pressure you into picking someone that doesn’t match your desires. And don’t rely on dating apps as the end all be all. If you aren’t finding success online, it does not mean there isn’t someone out there for you.
Do set a date early — If there is someone you are connecting with, don’t let it linger online too long. Think of the apps and social media as a starting point, but the goal is for it to turn into a real-life relationship. Once you know you’re interested in someone and have verified that they are who they say they are, schedule a date to see if you hit it off in person.
Do show your personality — People often feel less inhibited behind a screen, so use that to your advantage and be yourself. If you are someone who uses humor a lot in daily life, make a joke! If you are more serious, don’t force humor because it will feel inauthentic. Act naturally and show who you are, not who you think the other person wants you to be.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Do go to places that you enjoy — Lean into your hobbies and the things you like to do, the other people in these spaces will also likely have similar interests which is a great starting point. It will not only make conversation more natural but you know that there is an overlap of lifestyles. For example, if you really love tennis and start talking to someone at the tennis club you attend, you know that they are someone who values an active lifestyle, is at a financial level where they afford to join a club, and appreciates the social aspect of sports.
Do read body language — The perk of meeting someone in person is you can really engage with them and read your interactions. Tone of voice, body language, sarcasm are all things that get lost over text/email/dating apps. Pay attention to the little things like are they making eye contact with you when you’re talking or maybe he puts his hand on your arm. These are all things that indicate the other person is interested and would like to continue the connection. On the same note, someone can also give subtle clues that they are uncomfortable or disinterested in the interaction, so know when to back off.
Don’t come on too strong — It is normal to be excited when you’re first talking to someone you are interested in, but try to reel it in. Especially if it’s the first time you’re meeting them or are just kicking off a casual conversation, don’t jump straight into talking about marriage and children and a future. You don’t want to scare someone off by being too forward, try to get to know them as a person first.
Don’t make it all about you — Dating is all about balance and especially on a first meeting, it’s important to make sure there is back and forth conversation. While you should feel empowered to tell stories and share your personality, make sure you are also asking questions of the other person and giving them a chance to show you who they are, too. Not only will it give you a better opportunity to see if you like them, but it will also open the door for them to share what they are looking for in a partner and find out if you are compatible.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Workplace romances are really common and make sense when you break it down — we spend so much time at work it’s natural to get to know your colleagues on a personal level, and seeing someone succeed at their job with ambitious goals and focus can be really attractive. A lot of workplace relationships are very successful and even end in marriage.
In order to have a healthy workplace romance, the key is to keep personal and professional lives separate. You don’t want to be arguing about personal problems at the office or bringing work stress back home with you — this requires clear communication and a high level of professionalism. Another thing to consider is whether your company has a policy around workplace romances. Some companies mandate you alert HR of your relationship, so you need to think about where both of your comfort levels are with being public.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Long-lasting, genuine love does not exist without vulnerability and authenticity. Many of us, especially when we are young, want to find love so badly we are willing to change who we are to fit into someone else’s life. This is a short-term solution and ultimately will come back to haunt you. If you try to become someone else to fit a mold, you are never going to find what actually makes you happy and instead, will just grow to resent your partner. It’s important to know and love yourself before jumping into a relationship — that strong sense of self knowledge and self awareness is what will attract the right person into your life. You have to be authentic.
Vulnerability and opening up is how the deepest bonds are created. It can be scary to share personal experiences and let your guard down, but it is an act of trust that the other person will protect and care for you emotionally. Each time you offer a bit of vulnerability, you build that foundation. This is true through the dating process and into marriage. Even after years together, vulnerability and authenticity should always be at the core of a healthy relationship.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Self-Knowledge — In order to find the right person for you, you need to really know who you are. This includes everything from your interests and hobbies, to your life goals and dreams, to deeper level thinking such as what communication style works best for you or what characteristics in a partner are triggers for you. It is knowing yourself inside and out. I have a client who was married previously which ended in a divorce because even 15+ years later, she never felt like she could be her true self with her ex-husband. She thought he was handsome and they got along well, both wanted a family, but they never connected on a deeper level. She assumed the role expected by her partner and was a fantastic mother and wife, but had never been satisfied. If you feel like you are sacrificing something and not being true to yourself, that is something that time won’t heal. Be honest with yourself about what your ideal relationship looks like.
2 . Clear Goals — What do you want out of a relationship? Dating holds different meanings for different people so it is something to think about before actively putting yourself out there. Are you casually dating around to figure out what type of person you are compatible with or are you ready to find your future life partner and pursue a serious relationship? There is no right or wrong answer but it will guide you in who is worth scheduling dates with and investing your energy. One woman I had worked with years ago came in knowing firmly that she did not want to be married again. She was married for more than 20 years to her husband who has passed away and she was not interested in marriage, but did want to find a life partner who would travel and go to the theater together. The goal was not to erase her late husband, but to continue living her life and finding someone who would make her happy. When approaching this match, I knew that a man who was looking for a wife would not be a good fit for her. We needed to find someone who shared her interests, but was looking for long-term companionship without the expectation of a wedding or legal marriage. In just 3 introductions, we were able to find the perfect match and they have now been together for nearly 15 years and plan to live out their lives together.
3 . Vulnerability — A real connection takes work and is built up over time. To build a relationship with substance, depth, and compassion both people need to be vulnerable. Opening up about your past, about your wants and desires can be challenging but it shows your commitment to growing as a pair and also offers the opportunity to see how the other person will respond. Piece by piece, you build trust with each other and develop a level of comfort. It also creates an environment of understanding. For example, if you had a difficult childhood and experienced a lot of turmoil with your parents, that would be a good thing to share with your partner. Not only would it be a release for you and create an emotional connection, but it also gives your partner context to why you view things the way you do and could help avoid conflict in the future.
4 . Determination / Resilience — Love works in mysterious ways and unfortunately, that isn’t always a speedy process. Even if you feel like you are ready to find love and are in a great place, sometimes dating can be long and laborious and frustrating. Know that there is love out there and you will find success. Try not to get discouraged. There are so many avenues to finding your true love. For a long time, people didn’t think matchmakers were a credible way to find a partner or thought that it carried a sense of stigma. A lot of the clients that I work with will tell me that they feel like they’ve tried everything — they’ve been on the apps or websites, they’ve tried to approach people in person, they’ve joined social clubs — and after years of dating, still have not found what they’re looking for. They are shocked when I’m able to match them in typically under 6 introductions. Often, people are not looking in the right places or for the right things, so when you’re on your own it can feel like a very slow process.
5 . Curiosity / Adaptability — It has been shown that people with similar interests and values are a better pairing than complete opposites, but we also don’t want a carbon copy of ourselves. Core values should be compatible, but let’s also welcome some curiosity and openness to learning about what the other person likes to do and why. There are so many things you can learn from a partner if you let them. In my many years of matchmaking, I’ve found that things like finances/lifestyle, character, and politics often are less flexible, especially as we age, but some aspects that seem like non-negotiables can actually be modified like height, age, geography, and religion. Be open to new possibilities!
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
Love doesn’t have an age cut off. Everyone is deserving of love no matter how old you are or what your love life has looked like before. People in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond can all still enjoy romance and have a really amazing partnership.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
Visit my website, https://therighttimeconsultants.com/
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Sandy Sternbach of The Right Time Consultants On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.