An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Acknowledge this is new. If you have been struggling with people-pleasing tendencies and you’re ready for a change, remind yourself that this is new. You’re not going to change overnight. It will take practice, time, and repetition before you break those habits. And people who are used to your people-pleasing may need time to adjust as well. That’s ok and it’s not on you to make it easy. Set your boundaries, be kind about it, and be kind to yourself in the process. It’s new. New things feel uncomfortable.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Shannon Garcia, LCSW.
Shannon Garcia, LCSW is the owner of States of Wellness Counseling, a private practice serving both Illinois and Wisconsin. Specializing in maternal mental health, she is passionate about helping moms find balance and joy amidst the chaos of motherhood. She also supports millennial and Gen Z women in overcoming anxiety, and she offers parent counseling to help families thrive. Shannon describes herself as a mama of two, millennial, proud introvert, and recovering people pleaser. She firmly believes that supporting parents to become the best versions of themselves is one of the most effective ways to help children thrive.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in the Chicago suburbs with my parents and 2 older siblings. As a child, I loved playing outside and still find joy in simple, everyday moments that bring mindfulness and happiness.
Being the youngest of three, I often took a different approach compared to typical youngest children. Instead of challenging rules, I observed my siblings’ interactions with our parents closely. If they ever got in trouble, I often made mental notes of what not to do, preferring a smoother path.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
I’m a psychotherapist in private practice where I work with overwhelmed and overstimulated moms, offer parenting support, and help women overcome anxiety. I’ve always been a helper my whole life. I remember in undergrad I wasn’t sure what I wanted to major in. I played around with the idea of business, psychology, and even biology. Dealing with my own anxiety at the time led me to loving the idea of being a therapist in private practice. I think any therapist will tell you there is a little bit, or a lot of bit, of them in their specialties.
My work with moms, parents, and women comes from a combo of my own life experiences and my professional interests. I started out my career mainly working with children and teenagers. It was through my work on an adolescent inpatient unit, where I ran endless family sessions, that it was clear parents not only need support but want support in how to best parent and improve their relationships with their kids. It was one of my favorite parts of that job.
And since becoming a mom myself, it became glaringly clear to me just how much pressure moms are put under by themselves but also by society to reach an impossible standard. There’s too much mom shaming in the world and pressure to do all the perfect things. I want to change the narrative in motherhood to be one of real support where moms can thrive and confidently be the mom they choose to be.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
To me, being a people pleaser is all about putting others’ needs and desires ahead of your own, even if it means ignoring what’s best for you. From my personal and professional experiences, it’s clear that people pleasers aren’t mind readers, although they often act like they are.
Outwardly, they’re the ones always trying to keep everyone happy, often at the expense of their own happiness. It’s like they’re constantly trying to guess what others want and bending over backwards to meet those expectations.
But internally, there’s this nagging worry about what might happen if they don’t meet those expectations. It’s like they’re haunted by the idea of disappointing others or causing conflict.
As a people pleaser in my past, I burnt myself out over-committing to things, always saying yes. A lot of the time it was more subconscious, but I’d worry I would let others down if I said no to something or that they wouldn’t like me as much.
One key thing to remember is that it’s all about the perceived needs and desires of others. People pleasers tend to base their actions on what they think others expect, rather than what’s actually communicated.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
Definitely. Being a people pleaser comes with its own set of challenges. Firstly, it leaves very little room for yourself. Sure, there’s a quick dopamine hit when you say “yes” or get a “thank you,” but mixed into all of that is stress from saying “yes” to too many things, giving up your own boundaries, and not putting yourself first. You end up pouring from an empty cup and can end up resenting people.
As a people pleaser, you also end up stifling your own emotions. By wanting to be accommodating, you share less truthfully how you are feeling. Not in a manipulative way, but your brain learns over time to say less out loud. And let’s not forget, it can get lonely. Oddly enough, people might find it annoying if you’re always trying to please them. While you’re being helpful, you might come off as less genuine in the long run. Those in your outer circle such as acquaintances may not notice as much. But your inner circle will pick up on it. Those closest to you will either find it frustrating or take advantage.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
So, being a people pleaser does come with its perks. First off, you’re like the go-to person for help. Whether it’s at work, with your neighbors, hanging out with friends, or within your family, everyone sees you as reliable and super accommodating. I always got great reviews at work for taking on all the extra requests. Pained smile and all.
You’re that ‘yes person’ everyone loves. People naturally flock to you because they know you’ve got their back. They trust you to be there for them whenever they need a hand or just someone to talk to. You make everyone feel supported and appreciated. People like that.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
In my late 20s, I started to notice something wasn’t quite right. I was feeling burnt out in multiple areas of my life, overcommitting myself and neglecting the activities that truly rejuvenated me. It was during this time that I made a conscious effort to practice saying “no” to requests from others, which, I must admit, was quite challenging.
However, the pivotal moment that completely altered my people-pleasing tendencies occurred when I became a mom. Suddenly, I found myself responsible for two other lives — two tiny humans with their own needs and desires that demanded respect. My children would come first, before what others wanted and before my desire to people please.
For many people pleasers turned parents, this transition can be incredibly difficult. Fortunately, I had already begun flexing my anti-people-pleasing muscles before motherhood. Speaking up for myself and advocating for my children became paramount. It’s a journey of learning to prioritize and assert oneself while navigating the complexities of parenthood.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
Anxiety plays a significant role in driving people-pleasing behavior. Many people pleasers grapple with questions like, “What will people think of me if I say no?” or “Will they be upset if I decline?” These anxieties often stem from a fear of rejection or abandonment, with individuals worrying that asserting their own needs might lead to negative repercussions.
Over time, people-pleasing behaviors can become deeply ingrained, operating on a subconscious level. It becomes a safety mechanism — a familiar, albeit flawed, coping strategy. The anxiety surrounding the potential consequences of not people-pleasing can be overwhelming. In a way, people-pleasing feels safer because it’s the known entity, even if it’s not necessarily the healthiest option.
Ultimately, the root causes of people-pleasing behavior lie in the complex interplay between anxiety, fear of rejection, and the perceived need for acceptance and validation from others.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
When it comes to personal relationships, people-pleasing behavior can really throw a wrench in the works. You find yourself saying “yes” to everything, bending over backwards to please others, but deep down, you’re burning out. And let’s face it, who likes feeling like they’re constantly giving without getting much in return?
You start to resent people a bit. They keep taking, and you keep giving, but they can’t read your mind, right? They don’t know what’s going on unless you tell them. It’s like this invisible tug-of-war where you’re the only one holding onto the rope.
But here’s the kicker: setting boundaries and communicating your needs is on you. If you don’t speak up, they won’t know. It’s like expecting them to read your mind, which, let’s be real, doesn’t usually work out too well.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
In the workplace, being a people pleaser can have its pros and cons. Sure, you’ll likely be seen as a top-notch worker, always ready to lend a hand with a smile. Your boss might even start to rely on you a bit too much without realizing it.
But here’s the thing: constantly saying “yes” can lead to taking on way more than you can handle. Your workload might skyrocket, and your coworkers might notice you’re stretched thin.
Plus, being a ‘yes-person’ doesn’t always leave much room for creative collaboration. Sometimes, your coworkers want your genuine input, not just someone who agrees with everything.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
Think of people-pleasing like a recipe for stress, with anxiety and depression as the main ingredients. Neglecting your own needs for too long can lead to feelings of burnout and exhaustion. Your mental health ends up taking a backseat, and that’s not a good place to be.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is the most important part of overcoming people-pleasing behavior. If you don’t acknowledge the problem, you can’t solve it. Go to therapy. Therapists, like myself, are trained to identify people-pleasing tendencies and can help you overcome this. It’s not easy to do on your own. People pleasing goes deeper than you think.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1) Identify what fuels you. This is where you focus on yourself for once. What do YOU want out of life? Think about it on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. What small moments in your day are important? What do you need to recharge from a hectic week? Are there things that should be non-negotiable? For example, to recharge from the busy week, I need a weekend day where I have no plans. Just me, my husband, and kids doing whatever we want that day. I call it room for spontaneity. We might play in the yard, run errands, go out to eat, clean, etc. Or, a bigger example would be that I like to take a week-long staycation in summer. This allows me to have time off and enjoy the summer weather.
2) Figure out what boundaries are needed to cultivate what fuels you. Where do you need to draw the line to be able to do what recharges you? What do you need to say “no” to? For my example of wanting a weekend day of no plans, if I book up my weekends with endless commitments, then I don’t get that. And I go into Monday feeling more drained. So, I have a rule, I only schedule things on one of the 2 weekend days. Not both. Yes, there are exceptions such as holidays or important family events that happen the same weekend. But for the most part, 90% of the time, we will protect at least one weekend day for just us to do whatever. This may mean saying “no” to invites or things. We must prioritize and find a balance. You can’t do it all.
3) Practice saying “no” without excuses. People-pleasers tend to over explain when they set a boundary. You don’t need to, and it can actually fuel the anxiety related to people-pleasing. For example, you get an invite in the mail for a family member’s party that you aren’t particularly close to. You have a busy month and this would add one more thing. But you worry it’s rude not to attend. Other family members are going. Practice saying “no.” RSVP says text or call. So, open your phone and say, “I’m not able to make it but I’ll be thinking of you that day!” Done. Don’t over explain why you can’t go. You don’t have to hide anything, but you also don’t have to give a long explanation of why you need a day off.
4) Remind yourself that you are not a mind reader. People-pleasers often get trapped in the worry that someone will be upset with them if they set a boundary or say “no.” Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But you can’t read people’s mind. I always tell my clients. Let the other person be the adult for themselves. They can have a reaction to your boundary, but they are responsible for that reaction, not you. And newsflash, you’d be surprised by just how many people do not care that you decline something.
5) Acknowledge this is new. If you have been struggling with people-pleasing tendencies and you’re ready for a change, remind yourself that this is new. You’re not going to change overnight. It will take practice, time, and repetition before you break those habits. And people who are used to your people-pleasing may need time to adjust as well. That’s ok and it’s not on you to make it easy. Set your boundaries, be kind about it, and be kind to yourself in the process. It’s new. New things feel uncomfortable.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
Learn about boundaries. Educate yourself by listening to podcasts, talking to friends who are good at setting boundaries, or watching TED talks. Explore what boundaries truly entail and start considering what boundaries are necessary for your life.
Think about what you are giving up. Consider the consequences of saying “yes” to something. If you have the urge to people please, reflect on what you’d be sacrificing. Is it time, peace, or a stress-free afternoon? Reflecting on what you may be missing out on can help you determine your priorities and the need for establishing boundaries.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Recognize that kindness and boundaries can coexist. It’s essential to understand that setting boundaries doesn’t mean sacrificing kindness or empathy. You can care deeply about someone and still assert your needs or limitations. Embrace the notion that compassion and assertiveness are not mutually exclusive.
Understand that prioritizing your own well-being is not selfish but necessary for maintaining compassion and empathy in the long run. By setting boundaries and honoring your own needs, you ensure that you have the capacity to continue supporting others effectively. And, I remind myself that I am not the savior in other people’s lives. The world will not end if I have to say ‘no.’
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
One big misconception about people pleasers is that they’re always ready to lend a hand. But in reality, many struggle to say ‘no’ because they’re worried about disappointing others or being rejected. The pressure to seek approval often outweighs their ability to set boundaries. This can really affect their recovery journey if others keep asking for more than they can handle. It’s crucial for people to respect the boundaries set by people pleasers. Ignoring these boundaries only adds to their feelings of inadequacy and makes it harder for them to make progress toward healthier habits.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy or counseling can be incredibly helpful in overcoming people-pleasing behavior. It offers a fresh perspective that can often catch people-pleasing tendencies slipping into your life, sometimes even better than you can notice yourself. We can become blind to our own behaviors, and having another person in the mix can really clarify things. One thing to remember, though, is that people pleasers might find themselves people-pleasing even during therapy sessions. It’s not uncommon to filter yourself to please your therapist. As a therapist and a recovering people pleaser, I totally understand this struggle. It’s important to realize that you’re not alone in this journey. Sharing your struggles with your therapist is crucial. Therapy sessions provide a safe space to challenge the desire to people please in a non-judgmental environment.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
If I could start a movement to make the biggest positive impact, I’d focus on supporting parents. Parents play a crucial role in shaping our future by guiding and nurturing their children. When we help parents thrive, we’re investing in stronger families and communities. It’s about giving parents the tools and support they need to create loving and supportive environments for their kids to grow in. By empowering parents, we’re laying the foundation for a brighter and more caring world for generations to come.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can find me at my private practice States of Wellness Counseling’s website: statesofwellness.com
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Shannon Garcia of States of Wellness Counseling On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.