An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Honor and respect how you feel and your decision-making process — In the decision-making process, it’s crucial to honor and respect your own feelings; consider how a choice aligns with your emotions, desires, and well-being, ensuring that your decisions are authentic and true to yourself.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Dawna Campbell.
Dawna Campbell is a distinguished transformational healer and visionary speaker, widely acclaimed for her unparalleled expertise in emotional healing and subconscious transformation. With a remarkable career spanning over 25 years, Dawna has been a guiding force in empowering countless individuals to unlock their true potential, resulting in profound personal and emotional transformations. Her transformative work is celebrated for its ability to lead individuals towards optimal emotional well-being, nurturing enriched relationships, and facilitating a life abundant with prosperity and joy. Dawna’s invaluable insights have graced numerous media platforms worldwide, cementing her status as a foremost authority in the realm of emotional healing and transformation.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in the heart of Silicon Valley during the tech boom era. Surrounded by abundance and wealth, it was a stark contrast to my own family’s situation. My parents were hardworking blue-collar individuals, struggling to make ends meet while relying on food stamps and additional support. My career initially led me into the financial world, where I became a Financial Advisor and Managing Principal of an investment firm managing over $500 million of other people’s money. It was during this time that I realized that even with sound financial investments, one might not necessarily achieve true prosperity and happiness in life.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
It seems that my career path chose me rather than the other way around. While working at the investment firm, the stress, anxiety, and pressure began to take a toll on my health. My health declined, and my marriage ended, leaving me a single mother. The global recession further complicated my financial situation. The pivotal moment came when I found myself trapped in an abusive relationship, facing a life-threatening situation. I made a commitment to dedicate my life to helping others overcome their challenges and unearth their true potential. This unwavering dedication equipped me with the skill set I possess today for reprogramming the subconscious mind. It’s why I’m often referred to as “The Mind Whisperer.” My mission is to assist as many individuals as possible in achieving personal transformations, empowering them to live a life filled with happiness, prosperity, and love.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
To me, a ‘People-pleaser’ is someone who habitually prioritizes the needs, desires, and opinions of others above their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and authenticity. It’s a person who tends to go to great lengths to make others happy, seeking validation and approval through their actions, often to the detriment of their own boundaries and self-care. When you are seeking external validation, you are essentially changing for the environment around you, guessing at what someone outside of you needs emotionally, without truly knowing. This behavior often stems from not fully understanding or valuing one’s own emotional needs.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
One of the key challenges arises from the fact that external environments can often provide conflicting input. People-pleasers may find themselves in situations where the desires of different individuals clash, leaving them torn between competing expectations. This inner conflict can be emotionally taxing, and People-pleasers may end up feeling empty, unappreciated, or unworthy of their own feelings.
For instance, in scenarios where parents hold opposing viewpoints, a People-pleaser may face a dilemma of whom to please. The desire to make both parents happy can create significant stress and anxiety, as it may not always be possible to satisfy conflicting expectations. This can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when they feel they’ve let someone down.
Other additional challenges include the sense of being overwhelmed by the constant need to please others, the struggle to assertively say no or express their genuine feelings, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, and the ever-present risk of burnout.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
Being a People-pleaser can indeed serve as a subconscious mechanism rooted in the desire for safety and avoiding potential harm. On a fundamental level, it often stems from the fear of not conforming to people’s standards, which can lead to criticism, rejection, or even abuse. This instinctual drive to ‘fit in’ or ‘keep the peace’ can manifest as a strong urge to please others at all costs. A few perceived advantages to people-pleasing can include fostering harmonious relationships, the desire to avoid conflicts, cultivating empathy and sensitivity towards other’s needs, and the ability to function effectively as a team player. While these attributes can be valuable in certain situations, it’s crucial to strike a balance to avoid the potential long-term drawbacks associated with excessive people-pleasing.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
The realization that my people-pleasing behavior had become more harmful than helpful struck me during a dark period in my life — the abusive relationship I mentioned earlier. I had been excessively accommodating, going to great lengths to maintain harmony and appease my partner. In doing so, I lost sight of who I truly was. My children witnessed a mother making excuses for unacceptable behavior, and I became financially dependent on my partner, depleting my own resources.
Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, I was beaten down. What made it even more harmful was that my partner was not accountable for his actions, and I took sole responsibility for decisions that didn’t involve me. The turning point came when the abuse turned physical, and I found the strength to break free. This experience taught me invaluable lessons, the most significant being that I had the power to choose how I wanted to live my life, one filled with abundance and prosperity. It was a journey of self-esteem, self-worth, and discovering the importance of feeling valued and appreciated. I learned firsthand that we are never victims of our circumstances and have the capacity to rise above them, including people-pleasing.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
People-pleasing behavior often stems from profound emotional needs related to safety, security, worth, appreciation, value, and the innate desire to feel ‘enough’. These soul-level needs are intrinsic to our well-being, and they can be strongly influenced by our early experiences, upbringing, and environments.
These formative experiences lay the foundation for various emotional challenges. For example, a lack of validation in childhood and low self-esteem can lead to persistent feelings of inadequacy and the need to seek external validation from others throughout their lives. Similarly, early rejections or feelings of abandonment can give rise to a deep-seated fear of rejection, driving individuals to prioritize others’ approval to avoid further rejection. Additionally, perfectionism can be linked to early expectations or demands placed on individuals, fostering a desire to meet external standards.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
In personal relationships, people-pleasing often serves as a coping mechanism and a quest for validation, primarily from one’s partner. This behavior typically emerges from a desire to maintain relationship harmony and avoid conflicts. However, it frequently gives rise to underlying issues such as resentment, decision-making challenges, and an uneven power dynamic.
People-pleasers tend to employ their accommodating tendencies to cope with their own insecurities and to ensure their partner’s contentment. They actively seek validation and affirmation from their partner, yearning to feel valued and loved in return. This reliance on external validation can become emotionally taxing over time, leading to resentment and difficulties in decision-making. Recognizing and addressing these issues is vital for cultivating healthier dynamics, which entails developing assertiveness, establishing boundaries, and promoting open communication for mutual respect and shared decision-making.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
People-pleasing in professional relationships can manifest in various detrimental ways. Individuals who struggle with people-pleasing may find it challenging to assert themselves, often deferring to authority figures and placating their colleagues. They tend to say “yes” even when they genuinely want to decline, which can result in becoming overworked or overloaded with responsibilities.
Moreover, they often hesitate to express themselves to avoid conflict, hindering effective communication and collaboration. This self-advancement reluctance can impede career growth, as people-pleasers may struggle to advocate for themselves, negotiate effectively, or take on leadership roles, remaining followers rather than leaders.
In terms of efficiency, attempting to accommodate everyone’s requests can lead to ineffective time management, spreading oneself too thin, and a lack of innovation. People-pleasers may avoid suggesting new ideas for fear of being wrong or facing potential conflict. These behaviors can hinder professional development and limit one’s potential for success in the workplace.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
Long-term people-pleasing behavior exerts a profound and often detrimental impact on mental health. Those who consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own frequently find themselves battling with a range of emotional challenges. Anxiety and depression can take root as the unrelenting pressure to please others weighs heavily on their minds, contributing to persistent feelings of unease and sadness. An identity crisis may emerge, as people-pleasers struggle to define themselves amid a constant responsiveness to external demands, leading to uncertainty about their own desires and needs.
Strained relationships, marked by abusive dynamics such as verbal, mental, and emotional abuse, can manifest as people-pleasers find it challenging to respond assertively or set boundaries. Uncertainty pervades their lives, leaving them unsure if they are “coming” or “going” in terms of their own life direction. Inner conflict, stemming from the emotional exhaustion of suppressing true feelings and desires to please others, becomes a constant companion. Recognizing and addressing these mental health challenges is essential to promote well-being and establish healthier patterns of self-care and relationships.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness serves as the foundational step in recognizing, understanding, and ultimately changing ingrained people-pleasing patterns. To overcome this behavior, individuals must begin by identifying the recurring patterns where they habitually prioritize others over themselves. This awareness allows them to consciously take steps toward change. Awareness aids in uncovering the roots of people-pleasing tendencies, often tracing back to childhood experiences.
Awareness empowers individuals to recognize the specific triggers prompting their people-pleasing responses, providing them with the ability to pause, reflect, and make intentional choices. It fosters emotional awareness, helping individuals discern their authentic feelings and desires, and enabling them to assert themselves genuinely.
Cultivating self-awareness requires dedication through mindfulness techniques, regular self-reflection, journaling, and seeking professional guidance. Individuals can take the initial steps towards breaking free from the cycle of people-pleasing. They can build healthier, more authentic relationships founded on a deep understanding of their own needs, emotions, and boundaries.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Establish Boundaries is crucial. Identify clear and healthy boundaries on what you are willing or not comfortable with.
I once found myself in a situation where a previous associate asked me to intervene in a chargeback dispute that had nothing to do with me personally. While I valued our relationship, I recognized the importance of setting clear boundaries. Respectfully and assertively, I explained to the associate that the circumstances surrounding the chargeback were outside the scope of my responsibilities and expertise.
By establishing this boundary, I ensured that I didn’t overextend myself or take on a role that wasn’t my responsibility. This not only protected my own well-being but also allowed me to maintain a professional and ethical approach to my work. While it may have been uncomfortable to decline the request initially, it reinforced the importance of setting boundaries and helped me maintain a healthy balance in my professional relationships
2 . By practicing saying no, especially to small or unreasonable requests without guilt, will help you prioritize your own needs and desires.
During my tenure as the managing principal of an investment firm, I often found that people recognized my particular skill set and expertise, leading to requests for additional responsibilities in my community. One notable instance involved being asked to lead the organization of the annual 4th of July parade. Understanding the significant demands and the fact that it fell far outside my professional expertise, I practiced assertive yet respectful refusal. Expressing gratitude for the offer, I explained my inability to take on the role due to my professional commitments and the task’s complexity. This decision protected my time and well-being, ensuring the role went to someone better suited, allowing me to maintain a balanced work-life dynamic and contribute to the community more effectively within my areas of expertise.
3 . Focusing on self-care and prioritizing your needs to nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
During a cruise, that I was attending for networking and marketing purposes, there were numerous meetings scheduled while we were at sea. Understanding the importance of self-care, I made a conscious choice to prioritize my well-being. I recognized the need to honor my writing deadlines and ensure I had time for myself. Consequently, I didn’t allow myself to feel obligated, rushed, or pressured to be in a specific place at a particular time.
This decision had significant positive outcomes. By managing my time effectively and dedicating time to self-care, I was able to make more meaningful connections and contacts, fostering mutual business opportunities by bringing in business. Additionally, I forged friendships and, notably, remained one of the few who didn’t fall ill after the cruise. This experience reinforced the value of self-care in enhancing both professional and personal aspects of life.
4 . Identifying your core values helps in decision-making and aligns with your authentic self
Understanding oneself and adhering to core values simplifies decision-making. Integrity, a value I hold dearly, is synonymous with doing what’s right, even when unobserved. I vividly recall a pivotal moment during my first job at the age of 14, working at a t-shirt store. It was a slow day, and my co-worker left early, asking me to clock her out at closing time, contrary to her actual departure.
In that moment, I reflected on my core value of integrity and the importance of doing what’s right. Despite apprehensions about potential consequences, I decided to adhere to my values and clocked her out accurately. Eventually, she faced consequences for her actions, leading to her being let go, while I was promoted for upholding integrity. This early experience reinforced the notion that staying true to one’s values not only leads to ethical decisions but also can bring recognition and advancement in life.
5 . Practicing positive self-talk that will reinforce your self-worth and internal validation
Positive self-talk can lead to profound personal transformation. In my early career as a personal transformational healer, I struggled to describe myself as “beautiful” due to past teasing and bullying. Determined to change my self-perception, I began affirming “I am beautiful” multiple times a day for months. As time passed, I started to genuinely believe these words, and a newfound sense of beauty radiated from within me, transcending physical attributes. The moment I noticed others echoing these affirmations back to me, I realized that true beauty had been achieved. This experience fueled my belief in the power of self-talk, leading me to use affirmations like “peace,” “harmony,” “truth,” and “happiness” to catalyze positive change in various aspects of my life.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
- Recognize and identify your limits — take time to reflect on what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable in various situations, allowing you to gain clarity on where your boundaries lie.
- Clearly communicate your boundaries — express your limits assertively and directly, making sure others understand your needs and expectations, which helps prevent misunderstandings and build healthier relationships.
- Be consistent in maintaining your boundaries –reinforce your limits consistently over time, demonstrating that your boundaries are not negotiable and ensuring that others respect them.
- Reflect on the reasons for your boundaries — Regularly reflect on the reasons behind your boundaries to reaffirm their importance and ensure they align with your values and well-being, empowering you to make adjustments as needed.
- Honor and respect how you feel and your decision-making process — In the decision-making process, it’s crucial to honor and respect your own feelings; consider how a choice aligns with your emotions, desires, and well-being, ensuring that your decisions are authentic and true to yourself.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Maintaining compassion while becoming more assertive is indeed possible for naturally empathetic individuals. It involves deep self-awareness, allowing you to clearly delineate your own identity from others. By understanding yourself thoroughly, you can maintain discernment in interactions, acknowledging both your needs and those of others without absorbing their energy or compromising your authenticity. This self-assuredness enables you to assert yourself gracefully, speaking with kindness and eloquence, rather than rudeness. In the personal transformation space, where empathy and compassion often prevail, this balanced approach fosters assertiveness without sacrificing genuine care for others, creating more effective and authentic connections.
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
One misconception is that people-pleasers are always happy because they prioritize others’ happiness first. However, this belief can obscure the emotional struggles and inner conflict that people-pleasers often endure. They may feel compelled to maintain a facade of happiness even when overwhelmed or facing their own emotional turmoil.
Another prevalent misconception views people-pleasers as selfless heroes. While people-pleasers indeed prioritize others’ needs, this often occurs at the expense of their own well-being and boundaries. This misconception can lead others to believe that people-pleasers don’t require support or self-care since they are already selfless individuals. These misconceptions, keeps the people-pleaser in a cycle that may result in feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and a persistent pattern of suppressing their true feelings.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Seeking the guidance of a therapist, counselor, or a personal transformationalist can be invaluable for individuals struggling with people-pleasing tendencies. These professionals play a crucial role in the journey to recovery by providing a supportive and structured environment for healing and personal growth. Through expert guidance, individuals can trace back behavioral patterns to root causes often intertwined with past traumas.
Personal transformational work empowers individuals to release long-held negative emotions and beliefs that have hindered their progress. This fosters a sense of empowerment and self-worth. Furthermore, it creates awareness of the underlying issues that drive people-pleasing behaviors and equips individuals with practical tips and skill-building activities to develop healthier boundaries, assertiveness, and authenticity.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
If I could initiate a movement that would have a profound positive impact on a vast number of people, it would be the “Transformational Healing for All” movement. This movement would manifest in the form of large-scale stadium events where individuals from all walks of life come together to experience the power of transformational healing.
These transformative gatherings would provide a safe and immersive space for attendees to explore their inner selves, heal past wounds, release negative beliefs, and awaken to their true potential. Creating awareness that personal transformation is possible and essential, people would leave these events with a heightened sense of self-awareness, understanding that they can change and grow. They would depart feeling rejuvenated, empowered, and inspired to lead more authentic and fulfilling lives.
By making transformational healing and the awareness of its importance accessible to the masses, this movement would create a ripple effect of positive change. It would foster personal growth, mental well-being, and deeper connections within communities. Ultimately, it would contribute to a more compassionate and harmonious world where individuals are empowered to live their best lives and uplift others along the way.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
To connect with me online, the easiest and most convenient method is through my website: Contact Dawna. Feel free to reach out through this platform, and I look forward to connecting with you.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers:
Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Dawna Campbell of The Healing Heart On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.