An Interview With Brooke Young & Yitzi Weiner
Develop awareness of your behavior: Start practicing awareness of situations in which you feel guilt, shame, resentment, or pressure to agree, pacify, or take care of others. Keep a record of these triggers. For example, these triggers could look like when your coworker asks you to cover their shifts, a family member is struggling to finish a task, or your partner appears to be in a bad mood.
In today’s society, the tendency to prioritize others’ needs and expectations over one’s own can lead to significant emotional and psychological challenges. In this series, we would like to explore the complex dynamics of people-pleasing behavior and its impact on individual well-being and relationships. We would like to discuss the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, its effects on personal and professional life, and practical steps for cultivating healthier relationships and self-esteem. We hope that this series can provide insights, strategies, and real-life experiences that can help individuals navigate and overcome the pitfalls of being a people pleaser. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Sanna Khoja.
Sanna Khoja (she/her) is a South Asian Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) who specializes in working with individuals affected by anxiety, burnout, ADHD, and childhood trauma. She offers virtual somatic therapy and coaching for adults in Texas and is trained in various modalities, including Brainspotting, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), and therapy rooted in self-compassion. Sanna’s deep understanding of the unique challenges faced by the South Asian diaspora and immigrants fuels her passion for providing culturally sensitive mental health support.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in a very big household with multiple generations and extended family members living under one roof. Although I was born in the U.S., my parents immigrated here in the 1980s. Given this difference in our upbringing, I grew up in a bicultural setting — living in a Pakistani Muslim culture at home while assimilating to a western, American culture outside of our home. Urdu was my first language, and I was learning English while attending pre-school. I’ve struggled feeling accepted and safe living a bicultural life; for example, I remember becoming a “teacher’s pet” to feel a sense of belonging and gain approval from my teachers.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
Growing up in the juxtaposition between collectivist values and individualistic values, as well as experiencing generational trauma related to my parents’ upbringing and the immigrant experience, has greatly influenced my path to becoming a therapist. I have always been curious about people and what makes them who they are. I wanted to know, ‘Why is my family this way?’ and ‘Why am I this way?’. I witnessed the generational trauma in my family disguised as culture. I experienced racism and xenophobia in the small town I grew up in, and I knew I had to leave to experience a sense of belonging in a more diverse environment. This led to me moving away for college.
I am a lifelong knowledge seeker, and my profession allows me to be constantly in a state of observation and learning. I majored in Psychology in my undergraduate studies and interned at a behavior clinic. After some work experience, I realized I wanted to focus more on the emotional health of adults. I went back to school to get my Masters in Counseling, and I now work in private practice helping anxious perfectionists heal their generational trauma and live life authentically.
Thank you for all that. Let’s now turn to the main focus of our discussion about People Pleasing. To make sure that we are all on the same page, let’s begin with a simple definition. What does “People Pleaser” mean to you?
A people pleaser is someone who has learned to adapt in relationships by engaging in behaviors that serve others needs over their own needs. This person has possibly experienced attachment wounds in their childhood, from which they learned to please others as a way to feel safe and feel like they belong.
On the surface, it seems like being a person who wants to please others is a good thing. Can you help articulate a few of the challenges that come with being a people pleaser?
A people pleaser often struggles with boundaries, identity, self-compassion, and possible anxiety and/or depression. The constant rumination and attempts to predict others’ emotions and behaviors in future scenarios leads to burnout, resentment, and overall dissatisfaction in relationships. This is often a more specific challenge for children of immigrants or collectivist cultures because people may interpret people-pleasing behaviors and self-sacrifice as engaging in collectivistic values. Collectivist cultures prioritize the needs and well-being of the community above the needs of an individual, while individualistic cultures prioritize the individual’s needs above the entire community. People pleasers exist in both types of cultures, and they operate from a place of guilt, obligation, and fear rather than from genuine compassion and trust.
Does being a people pleaser give you certain advantages? Can you explain?
A people pleaser has typically developed soft skills that enable them to recognize others’ needs and attend to them. They are often very observant and can read a room very well. However, these skills come at the cost of reinforcing a people pleaser’s core beliefs of “not being good enough”.
Can you describe a moment in your life when you realized that your own people-pleasing behavior was more harmful than helpful?
There are so many moments when I have struggled with people pleasing in different areas of my life. A particular instance that stands out to me as an ‘aha’ moment is when I was planning a dinner to celebrate a major achievement, and I was so worried about pleasing everyone that I became completely overwhelmed and was unable to make any decisions. I decided to just cancel the whole dinner and not celebrate myself because of how anxious and stressed I was feeling. One of my friends reached out to me–she was wondering why I wasn’t celebrating this important date, and she wasn’t going to let me get away with self-isolation. With her help, I had a small get together with a few loved ones. However, the late invitation also upset people I love! At every turn, my need to predict outcomes and please everyone led to hurt.
In your opinion, what are the common root causes of people-pleasing behavior?
People pleasing behavior often stems from a variety of complex factors. One significant contributor is attachment trauma, particularly in the parent-child relationship or other significant attachment figures. When individuals experience attachment issues during their formative years, they may develop a heightened need for external validation and approval, leading to people-pleasing tendencies.
Trauma from assimilation is another root cause. In some cases, individuals may have encountered situations where conforming to societal norms and abandoning their unique identity became necessary for social acceptance. This assimilation trauma can contribute to a fear of rejection, driving people to engage in people-pleasing behaviors to avoid feeling isolated.
Any past relationships where acquiescing to the preferences and demands of others was consistently rewarded can contribute to the development of people-pleasing behavior. Positive reinforcement in these instances may lead individuals to believe that prioritizing others’ needs over their own is the key to maintaining relationships and garnering acceptance.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact personal relationships?
People pleasing behavior over time causes the person more harm than good. A people pleaser may feel isolated, as if they are unable to rely on others. They may be hyper-independent and have a hard time asking for help. A people pleaser likely takes things personally due to their worldview of sacrificing the self for others; when others don’t do the same or have more flexible boundaries, they may take offense to that and see that as rejection or being unloved/unimportant.
This impacts the quality of personal relationships. To have true intimacy with a loved one, we have to trust the other person and the relationship enough to face and overcome conflicts. A skill that is important for all individuals to practice is repairing a relationship after a conflict. People pleasers usually try to prevent any conflict from happening, which can often cause stagnation, irritation, and a lack of growth or trust in personal relationships.
How does people-pleasing behavior impact professional relationships?
Professionally, if one continues to people please, there will be a point where they may be taken advantage of by superiors. They may be unable to move up the ladder or secure promotions due to their tendency to put others above oneself. People pleasers are likely to repeat relational patterns in their workplace that reflect their upbringing or attachment trauma. When people benefit from another person being a people pleaser, they are more likely to keep the status quo and continue to reap the benefits of that relationship.
How can long-term people-pleasing behavior impact an individual’s mental health?
People pleasing behavior can lead to issues with self-esteem, anxiety, depression, lack of trust and/or intimacy, isolation/loneliness, and the lack of a fulfilling life with a real support system.
This impacts one’s ability to regulate emotions. You may believe that you’re protecting others from discomfort by engaging in this behavior, however, you are actually avoiding the discomfort that you feel when someone you care about is suffering or upset with you. This creates a pattern of avoiding your own feelings instead of actually feeling them.
In your experience, what is the role of self-awareness in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies, and how can individuals cultivate it?
Self-awareness is the first step to creating any kind of change. We cannot change what we cannot see in ourselves. There are so many ways to cultivate this skill.
- Journal: Write down every time you agree to something that you don’t enjoy or you have no interest in.
- Mindfulness: Practice noticing how guilt, shame, and fear feel in your body.
- Ask your loved ones: Share with a close friend or family member about your desire to be aware of people-pleasing behavior. Ask them to tell you when they notice you engage with them in this way.
Here is the primary question of our discussion. Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Strategies Or Techniques That Can Help Individuals Break Free From The Cycle Of People-Pleasing”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Develop awareness of your behavior: Start practicing awareness of situations in which you feel guilt, shame, resentment, or pressure to agree, pacify, or take care of others. Keep a record of these triggers. For example, these triggers could look like when your coworker asks you to cover their shifts, a family member is struggling to finish a task, or your partner appears to be in a bad mood.
2 . Get to know yourself: What are your needs? What are your values? What are your likes and dislikes? Get familiar with who you are. Try to explore new interests. Make decisions without seeking reassurance.
3 . Set boundaries with yourself and others Practice using specific phrases in situations where you find yourself struggling to set boundaries.
For yourself:
- “I have the right to change my mind.”
- “I owe it to myself to honor my own needs.”
- “I promised myself that I would not add on more tasks. My plan is to refuse the request.”
For others:
- “I’m not able to take on any more responsibilities.”
- “I appreciate your advice, but I’ve made my decision.”
- “I’ve stretched myself thin, and I won’t be able to manage any more commitments.”
- “I’ve changed my mind.”
4 . Ask questions instead of making assumptions
People pleasers have the tendency to assume they know other people’s intentions, needs, feelings, etc. Instead of assuming that your loved ones want you to fix what they’re struggling with, ask them how they’re doing and if they actually need your help. This can sound like the following:
- “Hey, you seemed sad earlier, how are you feeling?”
- “Do you need help with that?”
- “We had a heated discussion earlier. Are you still feeling upset with me?”
5 . Practice self-compassion
It is important to treat yourself like you would treat a friend. Self-compassion is essential to healing your relationship with yourself and healing childhood trauma.
What steps should people pleasers take to establish healthier boundaries?
First, educate yourself by learning the different types of boundaries and identify what your boundaries are right now. Second, identify the relationships and areas of your life where your boundaries are too porous or too rigid. This may include your relationships with friends, family, colleagues, or neighbors; other areas of your life you may consider are your health, finances, career, or social life.
Once you’ve identified a relationship or area of your life that could use some boundary work, start with creating a small boundary with one person or one area.
Lastly, practice giving yourself the permission to act in a way that aligns with your own values and thoughts rather than feeling dependent on the response from someone else. At first, you may feel guilty, like you’re doing something wrong. Remember, this is normal, you’re creating new habits and trying something new. Your brain might not be used to this so it might be giving you a warning that this feels scary. It’s okay to feel guilty. Your emotions are not factual. You are not actually doing anything wrong. Practice self-soothing to move through those feelings.
Keep practicing. It does get easier. And if you feel like you need help, seek the support of a therapist.
How can someone who is naturally empathetic maintain their compassion while becoming more assertive?
Having compassion and empathy does not mean you need to take care of someone’s feelings for them, nor does it mean that you need to agree with their perspective. Becoming more assertive with empathy and compassion can instead look like validating someone’s feelings while also honoring your own values and thoughts.
Practice using specific phrases such as the ones below in situations where you find yourself struggling to be assertive.
- “Thank you for thinking of me. However, I’m not available.”
- “I don’t know. I need some time to decide.”
- “I’m not able to help you with this.”
- “Let me think about it. I’ll get back to you at a later time.”
- “I don’t want to talk about this.”
Validate others’ feelings, then assertively communicate your boundaries. In a professional setting, this could look like “I hear that you’re struggling with your work. It sounds like you’re having a hard time with that project. Unfortunately, I am unable to add this to my workload right now. Thank you for thinking of me.” In a personal setting, this may look like, “I miss you, and I would love to get together another time. This week doesn’t work for me. What does next Tuesday look like for you?”
What are the most common misconceptions about people pleasers, and how do these misconceptions affect their journey toward recovery?
One of the most common misconceptions is that people pleasers are better able to handle stress or difficult situations than other people, and that is why they take care of everyone else. Instead, what is really going on is that they have a difficult time sitting with others’ discomfort. The people-pleasing helps relieve them of their anxiety about dealing with emotions and gives them a perception of control and predictability.
What role can therapy or counseling play in helping individuals overcome people-pleasing behavior?
Therapy helps individuals increase their self-awareness and develop insight — for people-pleasers specifically, it becomes a space to explore their approval-seeking behaviors and to understand them better.
The therapeutic relationship is one where the therapist models consistent boundaries and expectations while also providing endless compassion to the client. In therapy, people-pleasers have an opportunity to disagree with someone they trust in a safe environment and learn how to communicate assertively, which can be a healing experience. It’s also an opportunity to identify and learn what your values are and use them to continue to live a life that is integrated within your community without sacrificing the self.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
It would be prioritizing community spaces in cities and towns to increase our sense of belonging, connection, and interdependence. One of the issues we face today as a society is isolation and loneliness. I would love to see a movement towards prioritizing community spaces where we have shared resources and spaces for social interaction.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
You can find me on my website:
sannakhojalpc.com
Follow me on social media:
@sannakhojalpc.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
About the Interviewers: Brooke Young is a multipassionate publicist, public speaking mentor, and communication consulting. She works with a wide range of clients across the globe, and across a diverse range of industries, to help them create, develop, and promote powerful messages through heart-centered storytelling. She has formerly worked On-Air with FOX Sports, competed in the Miss America Organization, and is the Author of a Children’s Book. She frequently works with children as a professional speaker where she educates on Volunteering and Therapy Dogs. She has over a decade of professional performing background and finds joy in sparking creative passions for her clients.
Yitzi Weiner is a journalist, author, and the founder of Authority Magazine, one of Medium’s largest publications. Authority Magazine is devoted to sharing in depth “thought leadership interview series” featuring people who are authorities in Business, Tech, Entertainment, Wellness, and Social Impact.
At Authority Magazine, Yitzi has conducted or coordinated thousands of empowering interviews with prominent Authorities like Shaquille O’Neal, Peyton Manning, Floyd Mayweather, Paris Hilton, Baron Davis, Jewel, Flo Rida, Kelly Rowland, Kerry Washington, Bobbi Brown, Daymond John, Seth Godin, Guy Kawasaki, Lori Greiner, Robert Herjavec, Alicia Silverstone, Lindsay Lohan, Cal Ripkin Jr., David Wells, Jillian Michaels, Jenny Craig, John Sculley, Matt Sorum, Derek Hough, Mika Brzezinski, Blac Chyna, Perez Hilton, Joseph Abboud, Rachel Hollis, Daniel Pink, and Kevin Harrington
Yitzi is also the CEO of Authority Magazine’s Thought Leader Incubator which helps business leaders to become known as an authority in their field, by interviewing prominent CEOs, writing a daily syndicated column, writing a book, booking high level leaders on their podcast, and attending exclusive events.
Sanna Khoja On How to Recover From Being a People Pleaser was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.