The method of searching may have changed, but what we are looking for in relationships has not. We may use dating apps or use the internet to find activities ranging from traveling the world to participating in local gardening events and everything in between. In the end, however, we want to find the “one” who shares some of our interests, adds to our experiences, “gets us” and feels like a place to go to escape the world and restore our peacefulness.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Diane Urban, PhD.
Dr. Urban is a licensed psychologist with a private practice devoted to helping individuals, couples, and families improve their relationships and find joy in them. She has taught at the graduate and undergraduate level for over 40 years and often comments that her students have helped her keep up with all the dating trends. She is married for 44 years, has two grown children, and is happily awaiting her first grandchild.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
I grew up in Queens, NY. I am the younger of two children, but grew up amid my large Italian extended family. This had a tremendous impact on me. I was grateful for the fact that I was surrounded by so many adults who loved me and cared for me. The fun and arguments among our “Cousins Club” members (14 of us) taught me a great deal about relationships. There was a hierarchy based on age; there were “secret meetings” among these subgroups; there were “power plays” designed by the younger ones (myself included) to become a part of those secret meetings.
I am quite sure that this is where my focus on relationships began. My parents would offer sage advice, that we of course found difficult to accept, like “never go to sleep angry” or “fight nice” or “I cut, you choose.” All of these ideas can be found — stated in more sophisticated terms — in all psychological theories about relationships. So, my curiosity was sparked at a very early age.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
My parents were second-generation high school graduates who valued education and encouraged me to pursue a college degree. I went to Queens College, CUNY where I majored in Psychology. I took the usual courses as well as some unique ones in Organizational Psychology and Forensic Psychology. Two professors saw something in me and encouraged me to pursue my doctorate. One of them, who had an Organizational Psychology firm, hired me as a psychometrist while I took graduate courses part-time. I received my MA in Clinical Psychology from St. John’s University.
Toward the end of this program, we were introduced to clinical interviewing. I was fascinated at the number of people who, when asked why they were coming for therapy, cited someone else in their life who was a “problem.” I could not help but question how individual therapy could be useful if the problem was “out there” rather than internal. Wouldn’t it be better if the other person also participated? This began my interest in relationships. I pursued my doctorate in Social/Clinical Psychology at the New School for Social Research.
During my studies, I continued to work for my former professor, advancing to conducting interviews and, eventually, making recommendations regarding the best candidate for a position. Of course, I also had a variety of unpaid internships that honed my clinical skills. After I received my doctorate, I worked at a school (K-HS) for students identified as having a learning disability. I ran group sessions designed to develop social skills and improve problem-solving strategies. I also began my college teaching career, which I have continued to enjoy. My private practice began about 10 years later, and I have continued to find that work rewarding.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Curiosity — This trait keeps me interested in people and in just about everything. It causes me to seek multiple possibilities for why things happen and to seek multiple solutions for the problems we face. Over the years, I stopped referring to my chats with people as therapy. I prefer to offer problem-solving sessions. I encourage my clients to think about our discussions as educational in nature. The goal is to provide information on problem-solving techniques that will allow them to gain new insights and new ways to view the situations they find troubling or frustrating. In many ways, I am trying to increase their curiosity and encourage them to explore the possibilities that exist.
Compassion — This trait allows me to have the courage that is needed to truly put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to truly feel the emotions they are experiencing. People want their feelings to be validated, not dismissed. I work with many clients who have immune issues such as ME/CFIDS, Lupus, and Long-term Covid. It crushes them when their family and friends respond to their struggles by saying, “But you look good.” It would be much more helpful to say, “I had no idea you were going through this. You hide it well.” I think most people care about what others are experiencing, but they are afraid they will not be able to help in the way it is needed or struggle to express it. The continuous courage and effort I’ve put into cultivating this skill has helped me have not only success in my professional life, but in my personal life as well.
Trusting — I think this takes courage as well. We are taught to be fearful of each other. We are taught that the world is a dangerous place. While we do need to be taught to be observant, and even cautious, we also need to experience trust in others. We learn this in infancy when our parents respond to our cries and needs; we learn to trust that others care about us. Trust is the foundation of all relationships and when we begin with trust, kindness follows easily. I do my best to start all my relationships with trust; then, a person’s actions can diminish or remove the trust I had. But that is a very different perspective from beginning with distrust and waiting for people to prove that they can be trusted not to hurt us.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am working to establish a presence on Instagram. I am hoping that this will help me continue my efforts to “give psychology away.” This is a phrase used in 1969 by George Miller, PhD, President of the American Psychological Association. I read it years later when I was studying psychology and was very taken with it. I think it is very important that psychologists work to share what we have learned through the science of psychology and counteract some of the random advice that is often offered as expert advice.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
In addition to being a licensed psychologist, my focus has always been on relationships. My private practice is devoted to helping individuals, couples, and families improve their relationships and find joy in them. Over my 40+ years of teaching at the undergraduate and graduate levels, my students have helped me keep up with all the trends. For several years, I have authored a blog, Real-Matters.com, which is devoted to educating as many people as possible to the insights psychology has to offer on a wide spectrum of topics, all of which have to do with real matters — relationships with our family, our friends, our larger global community, and ourselves. The comments I have received over the years have expanded my curiosity about relationships and added to my insights.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
The common root cause of the “inability to find love” is that we are looking at each other as applicants for a job. We have a checklist and look for people who meet the requirements we have created. They must look a certain way, enjoy certain activities, and earn a certain amount of money. We have stopped looking for the reciprocity involved: the way we can help each other grow and find fulfillment.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
I think that this job applicant approach leads to misconceptions. So many of my clients will tell me that they were disappointed that the person was not what they seemed. But, as with any job interview or application, we put our best self forward and add some “fluff.” That includes putting up our best photos and showing our social side.
We need to enjoy the process of intimacy, both emotional and physical intimacy. Intimacy develops gradually and we need to stop trying to rush it. I listen to clients tell me about how after three dates they have decided the person is “wrong” for them because of the way they answered questions. For example, eliminating them because when asked if they would move to a warm climate, they said no. But, in real life, that choice may change because of job requirements, or because of finances, or because we enjoy making our partner happy.
I have also heard clients say that they stopped seeing someone because they weren’t connecting physically. This is a myth as well. Yes, there does need to be attraction between you, BUT the physical act of intimacy is learned and we can enjoy learning together. We also need to recognize that needs change over a lifetime and we will need to adapt to that. For example, a 20-year-old woman takes a long time to orgasm but a young man that age does not. The opposite is true later in life.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
My consistent message to my clients is have fun finding the one! Rather than searching for love, search for activities you enjoy doing. Relationships are built on friendship and friendships form among people with mutual interests. Don’t be afraid to let friends or family arrange a blind date. Our friends know us and share our interests so, even if the date does not turn out to be the “one,” it will likely be fun. And, again, fun is the key.
In terms of maintaining optimism and hope, I think it’s important to understand that our brains are designed to remember the “bad”. The brain is designed to scan for danger and keep us safe. This is vital for our survival but it also means that it is easier to remember what goes wrong in our lives than it is to remember what goes right. We must practice optimism and hope. In other words, we need to pay attention to the good we see, do, feel, and experience in our lives. Paying attention to the “little” things that happen, seeing someone hold open a door or run after someone to give them something they dropped, allows us to be optimistic about the future in general. It allows us to feel more trust in ourselves and in our fellow humans. It opens us up for new relationships.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Be yourself! Share photos from fancy events to photos of a regular work day. Share what you really enjoy doing, not what is expected or typical. Look for that kind of genuineness in the profiles you read.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Don’t treat it as a search for an applicant for the job of the love of your life. Do treat it as an opportunity to meet people you might enjoy talking to, laughing with, being vulnerable with, and growing old with.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Don’t look for romance in places you don’t feel comfortable in or enjoy. Do look in real-life spaces that you do enjoy. Relationships are built on friendship and friendships form among people with mutual interests. So, if you are in a public place you enjoy, then focus on enjoying it. Look around to see who else is enjoying it and start a conversation. Don’t look for love; do look to enjoy a conversation and have fun meeting a person.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
While the workplace can be an important place to meet people with whom we share interests, these relationships have many challenges. The safest are between people of the same level, rather than supervisor/employee. If the relationship does not work out, differences in power can lead to serious consequences. Even between equals, one does need to be cautious about harassment claims. Sadly, these issues make it less than optimal to begin a relationship at work. If you do choose to explore a workplace relationship, I would recommend establishing a strong friendship before adding any physical intimacy. Friendships are based on shared interests, trust, and looking out for each other. Once these things are established, it increases the probability of a successful relationship and reduces the probability of negative fallout.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
The core trait beneath vulnerability is trust, trust in yourself, and trust in others. Vulnerability is a valuable trait in both dating and marriage. There is little point in hiding who we really are while we are dating. In the short run, a facade causes anxiety and a constant concern that we will be “found out.” It reflects that we do not believe that we have value. If we have no value, then we tend to accept treatment that may be harmful to us (some form of emotional or physical abuse) or unhealthy for us (giving while expecting little or nothing in return). Also, a facade cannot be maintained forever, so it can lead one’s partner to feel that they were tricked or manipulated; they may come to believe that relationship was built on lies.
As I see it, vulnerability and authenticity are related. Many people have been hurt in previous relationships. The pain leads them to believe that they cannot trust themselves (because they misjudged the person who hurt them) or they cannot trust others (the other person tricked, manipulated or lied to them). Then a wall of protection is built. To break down the wall, it is helpful to force ourselves to remember the times where our judgment has been sound. We meet hundreds of people over our lifetime and, most of the time, our “feeling” about them is correct. Most of the time, they do not hurt us. We need to remember that “it takes two.” That is, we may have misjudged someone, but we also need to consider what they did that led to that consequence. In other words, to become vulnerable, we need to reestablish trust in ourselves.
The next step is to realize that we cannot judge new relationships based on hurts caused by others. We must start fresh; we must start from a place of trust. This is not to mean we start with blinders on, but rather start by looking for the positives and seek confirming evidence that the other person is also being vulnerable. We also seek disconfirming evidence of vulnerability (a lack of sharing regarding feelings).
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Have fun finding the one!
2 . Rather than searching for love, search for activities you enjoy doing. Relationships are built on friendship and friendships form among people with mutual interests.
3 . Don’t be afraid to let friends or family arrange a blind date. Our friends know us and share our interests so, even if the date does not turn out to be the “one,” it will likely be fun.
4 . First conversations should be “light”. You can learn more from these than you think. If the person talks about their pet with care, then you learn that they are caring, compassionate people with a capacity for love. If they talk about how they don’t have pets because they aren’t home enough to take care of them, you still know that they have a heart. If they tell you that they enjoy kicking the neighbor’s dog when no one is looking, you might want to move on.
5 . The method of searching may have changed, but what we are looking for in relationships has not. We may use dating apps or use the internet to find activities ranging from traveling the world to participating in local gardening events and everything in between. In the end, however, we want to find the “one” who shares some of our interests, adds to our experiences, “gets us” and feels like a place to go to escape the world and restore our peacefulness.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
The Art of Kindness with Rob Peterpaul.
Speaking of Psychology — an APA podcast series
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
I would start a Life-Balance Movement. This would replace the concept of Work-Life Balance, which by definition, causes us to think that these are two separate things. How can they be? This dichotomy negatively impacts every aspect of our life.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
They can check out my blog, real-matters.com, or follow me on Instagram @dr.dianeurban.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
Diane Urban On How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.